tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-82775502050449076272024-03-12T19:38:06.762-07:00My journey to lifeUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger224125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8277550205044907627.post-39875970344494290992014-09-19T10:50:00.000-07:002014-09-19T10:54:53.439-07:00Day 223 - Old Boy - Revenge<br />
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I have watched the
movie Old Boy, read and was inspired by these two following blogs, my writing is
building upon that which I have read, so please go ahead and read them for
better context.<br />
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<a href="http://viktorpersson.com/2014/09/day-168-old-boy-the-revenge/">http://viktorpersson.com/2014/09/day-168-old-boy-the-revenge/</a><br />
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<a href="http://michaelwilliammcdonald.blogspot.com/2014/09/day-656-old-boy-revenge.html">http://michaelwilliammcdonald.blogspot.com/2014/09/day-656-old-boy-revenge.html</a></div>
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After watching the
movie and reading the blogs, the point that is coming up for me, in regards to
how we can learn from the movie to better ourselves and our life experience, is
by taking it all back to self.</div>
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The movie is clearly
about two men stuck in a revenge cycle, where the one imprisons the other for
15 years as revenge for something he blames him for that happened in their
childhood, then the other seeks to pay back the man who imprisoned him, only to
find that the revenge wasn't over. They hurt innocent bystanders as each
other's loved ones and associates as part of their revenge towards one another.
They stop at nothing. They are moved, motivated and controlled by revenge, it
is all they see, it is all they live for.</div>
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These men have given
up their lives in possession and obsession of revenge. </div>
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The movie is
expressed in a very extreme way and thus makes it very clear for the viewers to
see the madness that revenge can drive us to, within that as well to see how
wasteful and utterly ludicrous this revengeful behavior is, to spend ones
entire life in revenge, instead of letting go, starting fresh, and allowing
oneself to enjoy and live a full life.</div>
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Once I can see the
construct clearly within the movie, presented in the for of one man doing to or
against another man, I like to ask myself where else do I see this construct in
my life and environment. Where do I see the same play out played by different
characters. </div>
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What intrigues me
most within exploring the lessons I can derive from this movie, is to research
this construct of revenge as I see it playing out within myself, as myself and
towards myself. In other words, seeing this construct, as it exists externally,
equally existing internally, within the principle of "as within so
without". </div>
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Let me explore the
situations where I revenge myself, hold onto grudges towards myself and blame
myself for things that are long gone from my physical experience, yet I hold
on, judge, punish and revenge myself for them, maintaining and perpetuating
this endless cycle of self abuse.</div>
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When I say revenge
as an act of self abuse, I see it as any form of deliberate self abuse (all
abuse is deliberate), done based on some point of blame, shame, guilt, judgment
from the past (it is all from the past) - so basically<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>lot of self talk, communication with self, if
not supportive, is a form of revenge. </div>
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I forgive myself for
accepting and allowing myself to revenge myself as I hold onto memories of
things I've done or said and regret, blame, shame and judge myself for them,
instead of forgiving myself within the starting point of learning and expanding
from the experience</div>
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I forgive myself for
accepting and allowing myself to separate myself within / as myself as I
revenge myself in blame / judgment / regret, as if the one me will do something
that the other me will not approve of and thus, I forgive myself for not
accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that the revenge I
am inflicting upon myself, as punishment and abuse is an indication of a time
where I allowed myself to not be in alignment with myself, where within
participating in revenge I am perpetuating that very same structure of not
being in alignment within and as myself, and thus I forgive myself for not
accepting and allowing myself to take that experience / memory as a point of
growth, expansion and learning rather than beating myself up in revenge, blame
and punishment</div>
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I forgive myself for
not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I have used revenge to
justify to myself the continuing participating in thoughts / words / deeds that
are not in alignment with that which is best for all in self honesty, where I
allow myself to think / speak / act in self interest and abuse / harm myself
and /or others in the name of protecting my mind / characters and then I
justify / validate / maintain the cycle by punishing myself in blame / judgment
and in doing so revenging myself for allowing myself to fuck up in the first
place, instead of seeing this whole entire play out, as seeing the fuck up and
the revenge that will follow, and to simply stop</div>
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I forgive myself for
accepting and allowing myself to live in the past as to remind myself of how
"I fucked up", "I should have done it this way or that
way", "I shouldn't have done that", where in each time I remind
me I am doing so in blame, shame and guilt as the form of revenge, as a way to
punish myself for what I have allowed in the past, rather than investigating my
past mistakes from a starting point of neutral self exploration, within the
realization that only through seeing myself clearly, without any judgment, just
seeing simply who / how I have allowed myself to be / do / act / say, only
through facing myself in forgiveness can I actually start a fresh page and free
myself from the chains that the past holds on me as long as I allow it, within
holding on to revenge.</div>
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I forgive myself for
not accepting and allowing mysel to see that the point of payback as revenge is
an indication of living in the past and thus compromising self here for the
sake of the idea / memory of my perspective of what had happened in the past,
thus, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that
the point of revenge will inevitably become a point of regret and thus a point
of a self judgment / blame and thus the cycle of revenge continues,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>instead of simply stopping</div>
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When and as I see
myself participating in revenge, towards myself or towards others, in form of
thought, word or action, I stop myself and breathe, I stop the revengeful
though, I stop the justifying thought, I stop the belief that I was wronged or
was wrong, I stop it all and breathe. I bring myself back here and notice the
physical body that is here as me. And within breath I speak self forgiveness on
the origin point and the reaction in revenge that came up.</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8277550205044907627.post-38883320160605956532014-09-08T23:38:00.000-07:002014-09-08T23:42:04.787-07:00Day 222 - Just Fucking Do It<img height="333" id="irc_mi" src="http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lyoe4e1RA71qf2ydx.jpg" style="margin-top: 154px;" width="500" /><br /> <br />
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I forgive myself for
accepting and allowing myself to talk about the things I want to do instead of
actually doing them</div>
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I forgive myself for
accepting and allowing myself to talk about thing I want to do as if I am
planning to do them when in fact I am talking about them as a way to express to
others my direction without having to ever go there</div>
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I forgive myself for
not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the more I talk about a point
I want to do / accomplish the less likely I am to actually do it, because if I
were to do it I would just fucking do it</div>
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I forgive myself for
not accepting and allowing myself to realize that talking about a point is
avoidance of actually walking the point</div>
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I forgive myself for
not accepting and allowing myself to realize that talking about a point from
the starting point of making myself look as if I am walking the point or am
about to walk it is self dishonesty, as separating myself into two beings, the
one who talks as if I will do or am doing something, and the one who is
existing in avoidance and isn't actually doing it, thus being split between my
words and my deeds.</div>
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I forgive myself for
accepting and allowing myself to create a loop for myself where I see and
realize that I am trapped in an endless cycle of talking about a point and not
walking it but at the same time still believing myself to be actually trapped,
not realizing that I can simply stop the cycle in one decision, in one breath</div>
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I forgive myself for
accepting and allowing myself to create a cycle for myself where I am already
sick and tired of hearing myself speak about the things I want to do, such as
to support myself in writing, and then as I see myself not do it to judge myself
and add self hatred to the situation, instead of simply seeing myself in the
loop and make a deliberate decision in that moment to take immediate action and
to for example sit down to write</div>
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I forgive myself for
accepting and allowing myself to create such a big deal out of sitting down and
writing where I have become so intimidated of writing that it really seems like
a huge point to tackle, when in fact I have been writing since the first grade,
and it is not in fact a big huge task, but rather one that I simply must direct
myself to do, and once I start doing it each time I realize that not only is it
not as hard / scary as I feared, but in most cases I rather end up enjoying
myself.</div>
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I forgive myself for
not accepting and allowing myself to remind myself that I do in fact enjoy
writing and that many things that I tend to avoid and feel like I have to fight
with myself in order to do are things that once I allow myself to get started I
actually enjoy them.</div>
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I forgive myself for
accepting and allowing myself to re-live the pattern/memory from my childhood
where my parents would urge me to go into the bath and I would fight them not
to but once I was in I would love it so much that I wouldn't want to get out</div>
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I forgive myself for
not accepting and allowing myself to learn from the memory above but instead to
re-live it as to be frozen in time within it, instead of evolving / growing
from it</div>
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I forgive myself for
accepting and allowing myself to spend so much of my time and energy in trying
to avoid doing the things I really want to do, instead of just fucking doing it</div>
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I forgive myself for
accepting and allowing myself to fill up my time with complaining about not
wanting to do the things I actually on a deeper level want to do, or
complaining about not doing the things I say I want to do, instead of just
fucking doing them</div>
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I forgive myself for
not accepting and allowing myself to establish a clear starting point within
myself as to why I want to do the things I say I want to do</div>
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I forgive myself for
not accepting and allowing myself to realize that without a clear starting
point it is no surprise that it has been hard for me to stay dedicated to a
decision that I am unclear about what it stands for and who I am within it.</div>
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I commit myself to
find and define within myself a clear starting point, to investigate what that
even means to me, to create from within myself the definition of why am I
walking and where am I going.</div>
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I also commit myself
to write daily, even if just one sentence of self forgiveness or one point of
realization, I commit to write out a self directed supportive statement /
paragraph / blog each day. Within this, I commit myself, if resistance to
writing still comes up, to write about the resistance and not allow myself to
be directed by it, but rather to take it as a point of self discovery and
exploration, and at the very least, as something to write about. </div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8277550205044907627.post-71599372419782548622014-06-24T10:20:00.000-07:002014-06-24T10:24:08.467-07:00Day 221 - The Desteni of Living - My Declaration of Principle<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Arial Narrow"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Arial Narrow"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Arial Narrow"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Arial Narrow"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">1.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 7.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Arial Narrow"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">
</span><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">Realising and living my utmost potential</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"><br />
<br />
</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Arial Narrow"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Arial Narrow"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">2.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 7.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Arial Narrow"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">Living by
the principle of what is best for all – guiding me in thought, word and deed to
always in all ways direct problems to the best possible outcome for all</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"><br />
<br />
</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Arial Narrow"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Arial Narrow"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">3.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 7.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Arial Narrow"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">Living by
the principle of self honesty – to ensure I am pure in thought, word and deed:
that my within and without is equal and one. Who I am within is who I am
without and vice-versa</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"><br />
<br />
</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Arial Narrow"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Arial Narrow"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">4.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 7.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Arial Narrow"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">Self
Purification through Writing, Self Forgiveness and Self Application – the
action of realising I am responsible for my own thoughts, words and deeds, to
forgive myself for transgressions and change myself to ensure I take
responsibility for who, what and how I am and through this know that I can
trust myself to always be honest with me and so others</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"><br />
<br />
</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Arial Narrow"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Arial Narrow"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">5.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 7.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Arial Narrow"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">Living the
principle of Self Responsibility – realising only I am responsible for what I
accept and allow inside of me, my relationships and my outside world and so
with this responsibility: only I have the power and ability to change that
which I see is compromising who I am, what I live and how this affects others</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"><br />
<br />
</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Arial Narrow"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Arial Narrow"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">6.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 7.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Arial Narrow"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">Realising
that who I am in thought, word and deed affects not only myself – but others as
well and so with Self Responsibility in thought, word and deed – I take
responsibility for myself and so my relationships to be Self Aware in every
moment<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>and live in such a way that is
best for me and so others as well</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"><br />
<br />
</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Arial Narrow"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Arial Narrow"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">7.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 7.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Arial Narrow"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">Living the Principle
of Self Awareness – to be aware, to see, to recognize my own thoughts and Mind,
to be self honest to the extent where I can take responsibility for when I see
my thoughts / Mind is not what is best for me / others and commit to
immediately take responsibility and change for myself and so for others</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"><br />
<br />
</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Arial Narrow"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Arial Narrow"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">8.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 7.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Arial Narrow"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">With taking
responsibility for myself, becoming aware of myself – take responsibility and
become aware of others in my life, to assist and support them as I am assisting
and supporting myself – to give as you would like to receive and do the extra
bit every day to see where I can contribute to other’s lives and so my own</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"><br />
<br />
</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Arial Narrow"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Arial Narrow"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">9.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 7.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Arial Narrow"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">Living the
principle of self trust – as I commit myself to remain constant in my living of
self honesty, self responsibility and self awareness, I stand as an unbending
trust that I always in all ways know who I am no matter what I face and that in
this I know, as proven in the constancy of my living that I will always honour
and stand by what is best for all and so best for me</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"><br />
<br />
</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Arial Narrow"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Arial Narrow"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">10.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 7.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Arial Narrow"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">Making Love Visible – through me
not accepting/allowing anything less than my utmost potential, I support those
in my life to reach their utmost potential, to love them as I have shown love
to myself by gifting to me my utmost potential, the best life/living experience
and show others as I have shown myself what it means to LIVE </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"><br />
<br />
</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Arial Narrow"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Arial Narrow"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">11.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 7.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Arial Narrow"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">No one can save you, save
yourself – the realisation that the tools and principles of Desteni is the
guide, but I must walk the path myself. We are here to assist and support each
other in this process from Consciousness to Awareness/LIFE and what it means to
live – but the process itself, where you are alone with yourself in your own
Mind: is walked alone</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"><br />
<br />
</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Arial Narrow"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Arial Narrow"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">12.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 7.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Arial Narrow"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">Not waiting for anything or
anyone to take responsibility for me and this world – but that I realise I have
created who and how I am in this moment, therefore I have the responsibility to
change who and how I am and so the realisation that we as a collective created
how and what this world is today and so it is the responsibility of the
collective to change how and what this world is today</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"><br />
<br />
</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Arial Narrow"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Arial Narrow"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">13.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 7.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Arial Narrow"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">Honouring the life in each
person, animal – everything from the great to the small of earth, that we
expand our awareness and responsibility to creating the best possible life for
everyone and everything and so ourselves</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"><br />
<br />
</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Arial Narrow"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Arial Narrow"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">14.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 7.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Arial Narrow"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">Relationships as Agreements:
individuals coming together using agreements as a platform to one-on-one
expand, grow and develop as individuals in life and living to support/assist
each other unconditionally to reach their utmost potential where the agreement
is a coming together of individuals understanding what it means to stand as
equals and to stand as one</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"><br />
<br />
</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Arial Narrow"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Arial Narrow"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">15.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 7.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Arial Narrow"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">Sex as Self Expression – where
sex is an united expression between individuals in honour, respect,
consideration and regard of each other as equals, two physical bodies uniting
in equality and oneness – a merging of two equals as one physically.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"><br />
<br />
</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Arial Narrow"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Arial Narrow"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">16.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 7.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Arial Narrow"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">Realising that by the virtue of
me being in this world – my responsibility does not only extend to my own Mind
/ my own Life, but to the minds and lives of everything and everyone of this
earth and so my commitment is to extend this awareness to all of humanity to
work together and live together to make this world heaven on earth for
ourselves and the generations to come</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"><br />
<br />
</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Arial Narrow"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Arial Narrow"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">17.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 7.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Arial Narrow"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">I must in my thoughts, words and
deeds – but most importantly in my living actions, become a living example for
others in my world that is noticeable and visible when it comes to the
potential of a person to change themselves and so change their world. So that
more people can realise how we can change this world, by standing united in our
self change within the principle of what is best for all to bring heaven to
earth</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"><br />
<br />
</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Arial Narrow"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Arial Narrow"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">18.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 7.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Arial Narrow"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">I am the change I want to see in
me and my world – to bring heaven to earth is to bring into being, into living
the LIVING PROOF of a PRACTICAL HEAVEN that can be seen and heard in our
actions and words. We are the Living Heaven that must come into creation in
this living world. </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"><br />
<br />
</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Arial Narrow"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Arial Narrow"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">19.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 7.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Arial Narrow"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">Through purifying my thoughts,
words and deeds – my inner becomes my outer, so I bring into creation me as
heaven into earth, realising it is not enough to ‘see the change / be the
change’ – for change to become REAL it must be a constant, consistent living of
me through the words I speak and the actions I live visible and noticeable to
all in every moment of breath</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"><br />
<br />
</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Arial Narrow"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Arial Narrow"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">20.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 7.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Arial Narrow"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">Realising that my physical body
is my temple – my physical body is the living flesh through which and in which
I will bring into being and create / manifest heaven on earth as me in my
thoughts, words and deeds and so I honour, respect and regard – nurture and
support my physical body as I would nurture and support me as equals: my body
is me</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"><br />
<br />
</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Arial Narrow"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Arial Narrow"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">21.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 7.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Arial Narrow"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">We are the change in ourselves
and this world we have been waiting for: and so I commit to dedicate myself and
my life for each one as all to realise this, as nothing will change if we don’t
change in all that we are, within and without</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"><br />
<br />
</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Arial Narrow"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Arial Narrow"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">22.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 7.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Arial Narrow"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">The realisation that for me to be
able to change myself in thought, word and deed to the most effective living
being that I can be and become – I first have to ‘know thyself’ and so commit
myself to investigate, introspect and understand how I became who I am today, to
prepare the road before me into self creation of a responsible, aware, self
honest and trustworthy person for myself and so for all</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"><br />
<br />
</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Arial Narrow"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Arial Narrow"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">23.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 7.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Arial Narrow"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">The realisation that for me to be
able to contribute to change in this world – I have to get to ‘know thyself’ as
this world and so commit myself to research, investigate and introspect the
inner and outer workings of this world and align the systems of today to
present and give the best possible life for all on Earth</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8277550205044907627.post-77728057839921229342014-04-19T15:48:00.000-07:002014-04-19T15:48:40.357-07:00Day 220 – I should have<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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I just had a conversation with someone and they pointed out
that I use the word “should” rather often, that I am stating towards myself
that I “should” this and “should” that – and they mentioned that it is not a
supportive form of self expression. After my initial resistance and reaction of
justifying that it is as a legitimate form of self expression and self
communication as any other, I want ahead and took a deeper look at the point. </div>
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<br /></div>
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I have noticed a tendency that I have been participating
within, where I express myself in form of “should”, where I tell myself what I
“should” be doing and who I “should” have become by now…<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This self talk has not been empowering but
rather has a self defeating aspect to it, where I put myself down and beat
myself up by telling myself how much better I should have been by now – doing
so within the experience and expression towards myself that I am a failure for
not achieving that which I “should” have achieved by now.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now that I am exploring this point of expression of “I
should have” and shedding some light on the matter, what I am seeing is that
there are two ways to use that expression– one as an expression of self support
and one as self sabotage – it all depends on the starting point, the
experience, and the actions that follow.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
An example to how I have been using the “I should have” as
self sabotage is expressed in my previous blog, where, for example, I have a tendency
to compare myself to others that have walked their process a similar amount of
time and thus I use that comparison to state towards myself in self judgment
that I should have been able to be as effective as they are within my stand, I
use the facts against me, I interpret them in a way that does not encourage me
to grow/expand but rather I use it as justification to quit or to avoid that
which will support me in walking towards my goal of, for example, greater
effectiveness and clarity – in this example it is clear that I am using the “I should
have” as a form of comparison and belittling. Imagine for a moment a situation when
a parent would compare their child to their friend that got a better grade and would
tell them something like this: “Why can’t you be more like X, he got an A, you
should have gotten an A as well, you have the same teacher, you go to the same
class, why can’t you be more like them, they must simply be better than you,
maybe you should even stop trying because apparently you are a loser…”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This type of communication, whether expressed towards others
or towards self is obviously not supportive nor does it encourage growth, and
at the same time it does not offer any support or solutions in order to reach
the goal and achieve the point of comparison. This form of “I should have” is
thus a form of self sabotage. I must admit that I am guilty as charged… as this
is the main form of “I should have” that I have been participating within.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But, as I have mentioned above, I am finding that there is
another way to use this expression of “I should have” from within a starting
point of self support, or at the very least to use this expression as a tool
for self support, as a flag point, until the point is transcended. Here is what
I have found. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The supportive form of using the expression of “I should
have” would be done from a starting point and intention of learning and growth
– in such a situation one would use comparison as a tool to see what ones
potential might be if one were to apply oneself effectively, in the example of
the parents and the child it would look something like this: “look, if X is
getting A’s all it means is that it can be done, you go to same class and have
the same teacher as X, which means you should be able to get an A as well –
let’s see together what we can do to figure out why you are not reaching your
potential and how we can help you in being the best that you can be, not within
the intention of you being as good as X is, because it is not about them, it is
about you and how we can help you reach your potential - so you are living the
best version of yourself, lets learn from X and see what they are doing to
succeed…”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The point here is that we can use the comparison to indicate
there is a challenge that we want to put our attention on, and then we use the
comparison for self growth rather than for self sabotage and judgment and
belittlement. So by saying ”I should be able to do/be this or that, because I
see X is doing it, or because I have an idea of the level of accomplishment
that I can reach” can simply be an indication of ones unreached potential from
a starting point of encouragement rather than belittlement, a starting point of
self motivation for growth and expansion as an opportunity to push oneself to
walk through all perceived limitations and actually achieve that which might
seem as impossible. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
By looking at those around us that are walking a similar
path and comparing ourselves to them within a starting point of self support we
can then learn from their example, we can investigate their habits, we can observe
their application, we can perhaps communicate with them directly and ask about
their struggles and challenges and get insight as to how they overcame them –
both to get practical ideas from those who have walked the path before us, and
also because in many cases we create ideas about others, not realizing the time
and effort they had actually put in to their success, making it seem to an
outside observer that it is so easy for them, while in fact they have gone
through a process to reach the level of success that we are admiring. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The word “should” can thus live as a reminder for that – so,
from now on, I commit myself to whenever I catch myself using the word “should”
within the phrase “I should have”, to check my starting point and see if I am
in self sabotage or self support and to realign myself if necessary – within
this, I commit myself to changing my relationship towards the word “should”,
from seeing it as a negative word and turning it into a supportive tool, as a
flag point of support, reminding me to check and change my starting point if I
see necessary, as well as to allow myself to see that which I am reaching for,
the goal that I believe I should have reached, and to find practical ways to move
myself towards that goal, within braking through the perceived limitation that
is hiding behind the statement of “I should” as if to say “I should but I
can’t” thus to change it to “if I should be doing that, then I can do it, then
I will do it, let me find the way to get there”.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I see more points opening up within me in relation to this
point – thus I will continue on this point in my next post.</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8277550205044907627.post-16166164688737953912014-04-18T18:36:00.000-07:002014-04-18T18:36:20.255-07:00Day 219 – The spark of life<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<img class="irc_mut" height="300" id="irc_mi" src="http://www.motherearthlabs.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/07/Spark_of_Life_.jpg" style="margin-top: 0px;" width="400" /></div>
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It’s been about a year since my last blog, I did actually write
one after Bernard passed, but didn’t push myself to make it into a renewed
habit – so here I am on day 219.</div>
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<br /></div>
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I am learning to appreciate the concept of counting our
blogs as days, marking the accumulation of our physical walk, as the writing we
post each day, and not allowing us to believe that the accumulation of time is an
indication of self movement, which is what I have been experiencing believing –
my experience was that I have been walking for about 5 years and I have been
holding on to this sense of self that I “should” be at some level of awareness
because I have been walking for so long, and I have compared myself to others
who have walked for as long as I have, seeing their progress, seeing their effectiveness
and believing that I should have been at their level because I have been
walking about the same time. </div>
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<br /></div>
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Within this I have not taken into consideration the actual
reality of the situation (and this is where our mind is so tricky - always
noticing that which will cause turmoil and inner conflict and friction) what I didn’t
consider is the consistency of my application, because I have not actually been
walking for 5 years, I have been walking the accumulation of the moments that I
have made a deliberate decision to walk, to be here, to choose self honesty, to
choose breath, to choose self support. And as the days of my blogs state, just
as one form of activity that can be measured, I have not been walking daily for
5 years - in the past two years, looking at my blogs, I have walked daily for 7
months in accumulation of this specific type of actual physical activity – now,
this is not to say that one is measured by their blogs, no, what I mean to
point out here, especially to myself, is that it is pointless to judge myself
according to an idea that I should be at some level, based on an ineffective
tool of measurement such as linear time, when in fact the accumulation of my
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It is not time that will change me. It is me that must
change myself.</div>
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<br /></div>
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So, here I am again, making the commitment to stop judging
myself in comparison to others that have walk more consistently and more effectively
than myself, but to learn from them, to inspire myself to realize that I too
can make the decision and actually walk it. </div>
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<br /></div>
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Right before starting this blog I found an old blog I had
written, some years ago, and I was amazed at how many of the points are the
same, it was frustrating and almost humiliating to see that I have not moved,
but at the same time that is what made me see once again the foolishness of
this self judgment, so I am grateful for that, as here I am, writing (yey) –
the point is that if I don’t walk the walk, how can I expect myself to change –
by doing so I am just forming a self sabotaging loop, where I am both not
walking and on top of that also judging myself for not changing – allowing myself
to exist in that polarity which will get me nowhere but further down the depths
of my mind.</div>
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<br /></div>
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What I did see through reading that blog and now, within the
process of writing this one is that even though I am still walking the same
points, what is clear is that both then and now I have a spark of awareness within
me, that point within me that does want to self realize, to expand, to unleash
and be free, to overcome the limited existence I have allowed myself and to
live up to my true potential – this point of awareness is here with me, as me,
now, as much as it was then, so what I see and realize is that this spark is
not letting go, it is here to stay - that gives me a sense of relief, realizing
that this spark within me that wants to live, is not going away. Within this I also
realize my responsibility of nurturing that spark and allowing it to grow and
expand within me, as me.</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8277550205044907627.post-15600871787519260172013-10-05T13:20:00.000-07:002013-10-05T13:20:43.571-07:00Day 218 - Waiting for Superman - Double Standards <!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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" style="height: 178px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: -13px; margin-top: 0px; width: 238px;" /> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">I
just read the blog <a href="http://mayaprocess.blogspot.com/2013/09/self-knowledge-is-only-basis-of-true.html">Self-knowledge
is the only basis of true knowledge - Day 415 </a>and I would like to add to
that perspective. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">I
have also watched the documentary </span><span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;"><a href="http://vimeo.com/20095459">Waiting
for Superman</a> as well as the follow up <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yLmXV4-CBOQ">The Inconvenient Truth Behind
Waiting for Superman</a> - and noticed another interesting point as to how to
investigate the information being shared instead of eating it up blindly.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">What
I noticed within the first documentary is that they were essentially blaming
the teachers and the tenure system as the cause for all problems in the
education system, and thus, they bring a solution in form of charter schools
which provide the best teachers for the best student experience. What I found peculiar
is the double standard it represents. Have a look, they were sharing their
approach with students, and how, with the right tools and support each student
can be the best, which I agree with, and that the failure of students within
the public system does not indicate the lack of the student but rather their
failure is indicating and pointing towards a bigger problem in the schooling system
- but here comes the double standard – if this is true for students, wouldn’t it
be just as true for teachers?</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Is
it not true that if we realize that by giving each child the support they need
to become the best that they can be each child can excel, and thus, if students
are failing we must realize there is a problem in the education system instead
of placing the responsibility solely on the students, wouldn’t <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>the same common sense be applied with
teachers, where if we see teachers that are disengaged and don’t do their best,
teachers that have given up on education and just sit around waiting for the
day to go by, not giving their students all that they need, wouldn’t that indicate
that those teachers have been failed by the system?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">The
documentary blamed the teachers for being the problem in education, not
realizing the bigger picture that bad teachers are showing us, as a symptom, a
greater problem of the entire education system in its totality. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">They
bring up the problem of tenure, and expressing it to be the reason why teachers
don’t care – but who of us wants to be doing something we don’t care about, wouldn’t
all of us prefer to apply ourselves in our chosen profession and do our best,
knowing that we are supported and encouraged to be the best that we can be?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">The
point of tenure is in a way a fantastic system of protection, in a world where
people lose their jobs left and right, what would the teachers focus on if they
were threatened daily that if they do not perform they would lose their job,
what would their starting point of teaching be? not the children, but rather their
own self interest, survival and fear – how would that solution create a better
education system? This point obviously brings up once again the greater picture
of the economic system, where people are not looked after within the system but
rather are treated merely as a human resource, that can be disregarded and
replaced when the new and improved model comes in, this is true not only in
education, but in all fields, and thus, within this economic system where we
use and treat people as commodities, we are setting the ground for indifference
and disregard towards others, while enhancing self interest and personal gain
at all costs, in spite of the consequences we bring to those around us.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">So,
here, im not saying that there are no problems with the tenure system, we can
plainly see that it has been used to manipulate the system for interests and
power rather than being a force that ensures that the education system as a
whole will always be in the benefit of all children. But here again we must not
forget to look at the greater system in which we all live in, and have accepted
as such.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">They
show in the documentary the approach schools take to handle these bad tenure
teachers where they just rotate them from one school to another instead of
finding solutions to support them to become the best they can be, it is almost
like the system doesn’t want to support them in bettering themselves, the system
has given up on them, just as they have given up on children, just as children
that have given up on learning and on themselves.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">It’s
all the same, as above so below – and the solution must be found for all levels
of the problem, isolating the problem within the realm of the students will inevitably
target the teachers as the problem, but that would be looking at it through tunnel
vision rather than actually investigating the problem and situation in all its dimensions
and finding an actual solution that will stand the test of time and that will
support all individuals involved. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Bottom
line, when inequality and double standards are being presented, there is always more to the
story that is not being shared, and in most cases this is done within hidden
interests in order to gain power and money through the control of public opinion.
And thus one must take responsibility and practice critical reasoning, and to deliberately
look for the double standards within the information that is being presented,
and not to watch / hear the information passively, one must question and
investigate in order to ensure that the information is aligned with reality and
not promoting a one sided interest, otherwise we will always remain as commodities,
as tools in the game in which others are playing, and powerless to influence or
change.</span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8277550205044907627.post-15494705094368457822013-08-15T08:15:00.000-07:002013-08-15T08:54:15.662-07:00Walking Slow and Steady - Thank You Bernard <!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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Bernard passed away – I knew this day would come, as we all
have a short time to live here in the physical, and then, in equality, we all
die, and Bernard is no different, but when I heard of his death I could not
believe it, how could Bernard leave us? We need him!!</div>
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As I saw this point come up in my mind I felt guilty, I
suddenly realized that I have grown to be dependent on him, waiting for him to
call the shots and make the decisions, counting on him to direct us to shores
of safety, and within that not actually standing in equality to Bernard and the
words of principles and equality he expressed, not living as self
responsibility through abdicating my responsibility to him. </div>
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So, what is my responsibility? I ask myself, and I answer -
To live as an example, as Bernard lived as an example, so that we can truly
have an equality equation of 1+1+1, where we all stand as individuals that are
living their full potential and are actually the full expression of who they
are as self directive principle in self honesty, becoming a full being, the
totality of ourselves, not diminished as we are living today through the
limitations and deceptions of our accepted and allowed relationship to the mind
– I have not been living up to my responsibility, and Bernard had to die for
this reality to once again hit me in my face – as I realized how much I have
been dependent on Bernard, and thus not standing up within and as myself, not
allowing myself to reach my true potential and actually become the totality of
myself, I realized that in a way I killed Bernard, he had to die so that I
would see, because, in self interest, I didn’t push myself enough to see this
before his death.</div>
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Many times he spoke about death, as the point of no return,
and I always connected it to the being that is busy dying, but in fact the point
of transformation in death is left for us, those who remain and keep on
breathing in our physical bodies. The point of death is the final point /
opportunity for us to see that which we wouldn’t look at and admit to previously,
so, in a way, someone has to die for us to realize the point, how many more people
have to die for me to see, how many more am I going to kill before I wake up
and take responsibility – obviously, now that he is dead, there is no turning
back, only looking forwards, and thus, it’s up to us, it’s up to me, to apply
myself and accordingly determine if he died in vain or not – from the
perspective of, if I learn from my mistakes, if I allow myself to change, if i
stand up and commit myself to live the principle that Bernard stood as and
lived as, then he did not die in vain, but, if I now give up and stop walking,
then, what was the point? – and either way, we cannot take back time, he is
dead, it’s done – but it’s up to us, up to me, up to each one of us, to make
the decision, as he would always say, and walk the decision as ourselves breath
by breath until it’s done.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He told me so many time that all I must do is make a
decision and walk it, and every time I walked it for a few days or even weeks
and then kind of forget about it, gave up on it, on myself, but I never really forgot
about it, I was just always consumed with myself interest, and preferred others
do the work while I was busy entertaining myself - each time this loop became harder,
because each time I have developed another layer of memories<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>and experiences proving to myself that I
cannot make the decision to change nor <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>walk the living example of equality, and like
Bernard had said many times as well, I was always my biggest enemy - keeping me
from being and walking that which I want to be and walk as, limiting myself
through holding on to memories and past experiences instead of allowing myself
to direct myself to change and become the best me that I can be, to live as the
full self expression of myself, in self honesty, here, as life, for and as
myself.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Tears are coming up – why? Guilt and shame for not getting
it sooner; fear for not making it as I have not made it in the past, and now
there is no Bernard to fall back on, to trust that he will give me a supportive
and well deserved shake or kick in the ass, each time I fall, pushing me to see
through his words the truth of me.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Bernard was always such a clear reflection, you know how
everybody is our mirror, and all we really see in others is always reflections
of ourselves, well, that’s true, but in many cases our reflection isn’t clear,
because it is smudged with the other being’s energies, beliefs, opinions,
judgments, and it makes it harder to determine what is my shit and what is
theirs – so in those cases we must take it all to self and equalize ourselves
to all of it and see ourselves in all the points that come up, and remove the
blame and judgment towards the other and so on… but my point I that<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>with Bernard it, the reflection of myself,
was crystal clear reflection, there was never any confusion or judgment or
blame or judgment (did I mention there was no judgment?), there was only only
clarity – when I spoke to Bernard I not only felt that he could see right
through me, I could see through myself as well, there was no hiding with him,
hiding was never an option. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There is an interesting point here because its not like he
put a spell on me for me to be able to see myself, it was me who allowed myself
to see myself when I was in Bernard’s presence, because I believe he could see
me anyway, and whether he could or couldn’t – I am the one who allowed myself
to see myself in clarity, thus I am able to do this now that he is gone, it was
never him – it was always and is always me.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So, now as I tear I wonder how will I stand, how do I know I
can do this, how can I trust myself like I trusted Bernard? How can I live his
example?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I remember walking with him at the mall, and he had such a
slow and steady walk, his walk was so distinguished – even in his physical walk
I could find the key of how to walk within my process – by remaining slow and
steady within myself, walking in breath, one step at a time, one breathe at a
time – I realize now that I must slow myself down so that I can come back to
myself, to my own pace of breath and then accelerate with and as myself - this
is a point I learnt just from walking with Bernard at the mall. And there are
so many other little points of insight.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He once asked me what will it take for me to forgive a
friend that I’ve had continuous conflict with, and I didn’t understand what he
was asking, then he asked me to imagine them on their death bed, and asked if
they were dying could I forgive them then – I burst in tears, again it’s that
point of transformation at death, if they were to die and I remain, could I
forgive them then? Of course I could – and so why wait for death? </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Why do I wait for death instead of living now, here?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I commit myself to waking up to life, I commit myself to standing
up within myself, I commit myself to allowing myself to face myself, one day at
a time, one breath at a time, I commit myself to breathing, to slowing myself
down, I commit myself to walk until it is done, I commit myself to stop the
self judgment and transform it into self support, I commit myself to write and
free myself through self forgiveness followed by practical application, I commit
myself to myself as life.</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8277550205044907627.post-67898142592446364442013-07-20T01:05:00.001-07:002013-07-20T01:05:19.644-07:00Day 217 - Obedience<p>I just realized that I have been trying to be obedient all my life, trying to "please the master" to get the approval of the authority. Not wanting to get in trouble and experiencing myself as being watched, as if "big brother" will see if I stray from the suggested path and will be punished. <p> <p>When I was young I would call my dad to tell him I was skipping school, I saw it as an act of responsibility but really it was an act of abdicating responsibility, my rational was that if I get in real trouble it's good they know where I am, because I’m just a kid, but really I was too afraid of making the decision and standing by it without the OK of my dad, so in essence I asked for his approval so I wouldn't bare the weight of the decision to "do something wrong" by myself. <p> <p>Many times I will ask for permission, just to be sure, while others around me would have just gone ahead and done it, and then when I receive a negative answer to my request I have a valid excuse not to step out of my comfort zone and do it, because "now I can't do it because I had asked directly and was disapproved, so I cannot" while the reason I didn't go ahead and do it to begin with was not because I actually thought it was wrong, but because I know "they" might think it is wrong and then I will not have their acceptance and approval, and that always had more value than going ahead and doing what I want, expressing myself and enjoying myself. I always wanted to be seen in a good light. <p> <p>Now I am facing a similar point - I want to do things the right way, as I was taught to do them, but at times I question what I have learned and want to apply myself in another way - then comes up a point of trusting myself enough to “defy my teacher”, because if I do it my way I am the sole responsible for my actions, whereas when I follow their instructions I can always blame them for me not succeeding, so I know that if I do it my way it’s all on my shoulders, whether I make it or not, and to add to this point then there is that other point of approval, where I want the teacher / instructor to approve my way and say "yes, sure go ahead with it" as if asking for permission to explore my own self expression, to take risks and learn from my own mistakes - and I also realize there is a fine line somewhere between not allowing myself to follow instructions because of ego as wanting to do things my way, and not following instructions in a starting point of over coming the fear of taking full responsibility for my actions. so I guess I’m still struggling to actually see clearly the entity of my starting point within it all. <p> <p>I have been working with a someone that is creative and exploring options that I am reluctant to explore because they are beyond the suggested realm, and I don't want to be spotted out as going beyond the suggested instructions, i want to be obedient, but at the same time I admire this other person for feeling so free to explore and that indicates to me that I have been limiting myself from expressing and exploring myself due to fear, and thus I realize that I must explore both new avenues, I must allow myself to follow instructions as to make sure I am not directed by my ego within the desire to be special and do things MY way, I must also allow myself to explore new avenues and to overcome the fear of being looked upon badly by the teacher / instructor / authority, I must also allow myself to explore and take full responsibility for the consequences whether "good" or "bad", because once I stand alone beyond the suggested territory I must be able to stand clear within myself and know for myself why I chose this path, to be able to trust myself that regardless the outcome I will not regret the way - and whatever happens to learn from it and apply myself then from within my new learning and realizations, to the best of my ability in that moment, within understanding that with every “mistake” i grow and learn and expand my understanding so next time i can take a different more effective route – but i must learn through expressing, exploring, falling and learning. <p> <p>I feel confused because I have created such a complex web of dishonesty that no matter in which direction I take a step in, I am facing fears and reactions and thus now see to what extent I have been motivated by fears and reactions. <p> <p>I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tell the authority that I am doing something else than suggested within a starting point of asking for their approval and validation and thus not taking full responsibility, thus, when and as I see myself informing an authority of my actions while not asking for feedback or help but just informing them, I stop myself and breathe, I realize this is a point of deliberate manipulation rather than direct communication – thus, i stop myself in breathe as I do not allow myself to share with them from within the starting point of not taking self responsibility for my actions, within this I allow myself to evaluate the situation and to see if I am not willing to take responsibility I must look at the risk involved and reconsider whether what I am about to do is within common sense and the starting point of what is best for all or is it just acting out a desire that might lead to consequences. And so I breathe and slow myself down, and make a clear decision within and as myself whether I am standing behind my actions or not, and accordingly I act, within taking full responsibility and allowing myself to be accountable for my actions. <p> <p>I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being caught as doing something else than suggested, and thus will not allow myself to explore new ways and perhaps find practical alternatives, not allowing myself to make it "my own" within adding myself as my own self expression into the activity, and so, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to restrict myself and suppress myself from expressing myself and bringing myself in my true totality, I forgive myself for not allowing myself to contribute through my ideas and expression and exploration because I have not allowed myself to step beyond the accepted and agreed upon territory, and thus I have deprived myself from the opportunity of self expression and exploration and have deprived those around me from whatever idea I might have had that could benefit all, just because I fear being seen in a bad light, not realizing that those seeing me in a bad light which I fear and avoid their judgments are not actually judging me but themselves, and those who are not judging themselves will find a supportive way to show me if I am out of sink or am doing anything that is not practical or supportive, and thus I realize that the only way I can actually get the support of others is if I allow myself to step out of the confinements of approved territory so that I can either grow and expand or make mistakes and learn from the correction - but from suppression I will not learn a thing <p> <p>I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to do things my way because of ego as wanting to be special and take all the credit, within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that doing things "my way" just for self interest is not valid, within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to value the experience of others and allow myself to walk the repaved paths, not blindly but with open eyes, to be able to only once I have tried and openly seen where that path leads, to then practice critical reasoning and apply myself accordingly as allowing myself to be part of the accumulation of knowledge that has created our world, and thus to contribute not within ego but within practicality and from actual experience and personal knowledge </p> Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8277550205044907627.post-43533068887574436862013-07-17T00:21:00.001-07:002013-07-17T00:21:15.981-07:00Day 216 - Back chat as the God of me<p>It's still the same point - when I am about to do something that has to do with interaction with people, such as going to a meeting or making a phone call, I experience this form of resistance, a form of fear, an anxiety, and I am reluctant to do it - that's when the back chat is most creative, because now it starts coming up with all the reasons why it's valid to avoid this point and procrastinate it, suddenly "later" is the best time to do everything, suddenly all the other things on my "to do" list jump to first priority and so, instead of seeing this for what it is, as a pattern of fear that I have been participating with all my life up to a point of believing it to be me, and that this pattern as my participation with fear, has been and still is, limiting me from becoming as effective as I can be, enabling me to accomplish all that I want to, and instead of simply not allowing myself to follow this back chat to actually do that which I know needs to be done regardless my momentary preferences and irrational fears. <p> <p>Looking at it now, I see myself actually enjoying the back chat, as it is the only thing that "allows me to be me" or "accepts me as who I am" - but is it really who I am, or is this back chat simply allowing me to continue existing in my fear as the limitation of myself, and to stay in my small zone of comfort and not change - it "feels" like my back chat is on "my side", it feels like it supports me, when really it is not, it could not be further from the truth - the back chat is only "supporting" me in self interest as the mind, allowing me and manipulating me to exist as a limited lifeless organic robot, but it really never supports me in fact, as who I really am, as what is actually best for me within the greater picture, the picture that is reality as the physical - it never actually supports me as a living being in a living and physical reality - it only supports me as the mind, as the illusion, as opinions, as preferences, as beliefs, as the narrow and limited view of self interest. <p> <p>I have been following my mind blindly, allowing myself to be directed day in and day out, allowing myself to be directed by the back chat making it to be the god of me, instead of standing up within and as myself and making a stand to / for / as myself, reclaiming myself back to myself, reminding and stating to myself that I am here to serve myself as life, if nothing else than should at least push myself to do what is really best for me, as true self interest and not destructive self interest within following the patterns of fear and self sabotage - to push myself to support myself in fact as what is really best for me in the long run, which is what is best for all in the greater picture, and visa versa, as what is best for all is always the answer to what is best for me - and even though I cannot say I always know what is best, I know for a fact that it is certainly not best for me nor anyone around me to justify my own limitation and accept my fears as the director of me, but rather to support myself to over come my fears and expand and grow and allow myself to become a fearless being, that walks in stability, in consistency, in certainty, in self trust, in self honor, that is up for any challenge, that will not stop for anything until the task is done and complete, that will keep on walking and learning and expanding in every moment and every breath, and walking each breath within the principle of equality as love thy neighbor as myself, as a living practice.</p> Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8277550205044907627.post-90749961485783157582013-07-15T09:30:00.001-07:002013-07-15T09:30:18.538-07:00Day 215 - Fear of people - being alone - follow up and conclusions<p>Follow up from last blog - last night I went to a party, I didn't know anyone and I just sat there some of the time I sat alone and I actually didn't go into anxiety about it, and I had awesome conversations with random people, took some phone numbers and might have made some connections from a practical perspective - it was cool - though I still didn't allow myself to be as free as I wanted to, so I am still walking the point, and actually while I was there I "forgot" that I had just written about this point and I didn't then apply myself practically - this point of "forgetting the point I am walking" has been coming up often - and the only explanation I have is that while I am writing my self forgiveness and opening the point up, I am not here and am not actually doing it as self support - because if I was I would "remember", but instead I write it just because I know I have to, I know I have to because it is so supportive and if I don't I will go down the rabbit hole of my mind and trap myself in it, so I do see the value of daily writing, but it is still done in separation, as a point of external consequence, like I'm doing it so the teacher will see that at least I am trying, while in fact I am not doing my best, I am not pushing as hard as I can, I am not investigating myself as self honestly as I could be - but there is no teacher watching over me and the consequences are not created by an external force but rather they are directly created by myself, and the more I write the more I see that I am causing my own suffering and discomfort, and yet, I am still struggling to get past this point and actually writing for myself and being here fully as I write, and write within the starting point of self support in fact. <p> <p>I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to write and forgive myself from a starting point of being watched by a teacher form, thus actually doing it in separation of myself as I am not doing it for myself but for external eyes watching over me <p> <p>I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to write and forgive myself within a starting point of religion, as I have placed a god like watch guard on me, as the eyes that see everything I do and will create the consequences if I mess up, thus, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that I have turned this practical application in to a religion instead of doing it for myself in full awareness <p> <p>I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to actually see, realize and understand that I am here living this life, and I am here living the consequences of my actions, and I have the choice and the ability to change within self honesty, or not, and it is my responsibility to face myself because no one else will do it for me, and my doing so can effect others from the perspective that I could exist as I living example of how people can change and perfect themselves, but as long as I am not doing it, it is not here and is not a reality, and so, as within so without - my not changing myself within a starting point of self support implies and reflects that I don't care about myself nor anyone else <p> <p>I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am a good person that cares about myself and others around me while in fact in practicality I have not bee doing the bare minimum of expressing this care through practical physical application, and thus, have made this "I care" as a character that I can talk about and express to people, hence the good conversation, instead of letting go the idea of I am a caring person and actually allowing myself to live it as the expression of myself in every moment, where the first act of caring would be caring for myself and doing all I can to nurture and support myself, not for anyone else but for myself because I would care about and for myself, then, the expression of caring for others must be within a starting point of living as an example, and working towards a practical solution - so far I have been talking the talk much more then walking the walk, like I enjoy presenting myself as part of the most caring group in the world, or perhaps more accurately, the only caring group of people in the world, yet, I have not been an active participant from the perspective that I know I can do so much more if I would bring myself to actually care and live this care as the expression of myself. <p> <p>I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to care only about the thoughts and feelings and emotions and fears that come up in my mind, instead of caring for myself as the physical and for everybody else as the physical and thus, within caring for the mind and placing the mind above me as the physical I have not been pushing through the resistance in self interest, as I would simply do what the mind wants, as I follow it into self destruction <p> <p>I realize that every time that I have thoughts / back chat / emotions / feelings / fears that come up and direct me into any direction that is not what is best for al, I am a facing a choice and can chose to follow the mind or can chose to resist the temptation within and as implementing the tools of writing and self forgiveness as to allow myself to see the construct that has come up, as to not suppress it but rather work through it, and so, I realize that in every moment of every breath I can make a new choice and am not limited to the previous choice, thus, I can chose to change now and today starting to live within the principle of what is best for all, regardless of not yet doing it previously. And I realize that in every moment that I chose self interest, that I chose the comfort of not pushing myself, when I chose the "hanging out" rather than applying myself - that is a choice and it will in every moment accumulate as who I am and allowing myself to be, so I realize that I must make sure that I accumulate more "points" of self support and actual genuine care than points of self interest and abuse - I realize this is a process and I will not change over night, but within this I also realize that making the decision is instantaneous and changing my starting point happens in a moment, so there really is no excuse. <p> <p>I realize that it isn't about writing daily but rather writing daily within a starting point of self support and self care, and thus, I commit myself to before and while writing ensure that I am here and breathing, and if and when I see that I am writing in a state of rush as to "just get it over with" I stop myself and breathe, if necessary I attend to what needs my attention so that I can be here fully and write for and as myself, within this I commit myself to prioritize and not allow any distraction to become an excuse of "I'll do it later" because looking at the greater picture - what could be more important than supporting myself in this process of self discovery and self change? Nothing really, and so, I commit myself to set up a time and actually apply myself effectively within this time frame, as planning a date with myself, as I would plan with another, and respect this self date as I would respect a date with another <p> <p>So here I am , making the decision to care for myself and to live this car as an actual physical act, within supporting myself through this process of writing and self forgiveness, to investigate and see in self honesty who I have created myself as, and change myself within the principle of re-creating myself as a human being that lives as an example, that if everybody would learn from my example this world would be best for all - this is my indication that I have lots of work to do, because I know what goes on in my mind, and I know that if everybody in the world would learn from my example at the moment, the world will not be a better place for all - and so I commit myself to walk this process until I can be a living example of the principle of equality as what is best for all - <p>I realize this must start with myself, if I only care about one being in the world I must be to actually care for myself, not as the mind as to care for my thoughts and feeling and emotions, but for myself, the being that is here, that is experiencing all these ups and downs, the one that is not yet directing oneself but is powerlessly following the thoughts / emotions / feeling, to support myself as the being that is here, to stand up within myself and direct myself, take responsibility and live with integrity and self honor. <p>Yes, there is a long way to go… <p> <p>I realize the value of breath, and I commit myself to use breath as a tool of self support, to slow myself down and to ground myself, to return to my physical body where I am here, and to direct myself to move from a starting point of breath, to allow myself to stop and breath as many times during the day - to make stopping and breathing my practice, before anything I do / say I stop and breathe and consider what is best for all, what would be most practical and effective and supportive, and what is within justification and self interest - and to slowly but surely more from there, from here, one step at a time.</p> Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8277550205044907627.post-16104409999415223482013-07-14T00:42:00.001-07:002013-07-14T00:42:00.150-07:00Day 214 - Fear of people - Being alone<p>I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear and resist doing things alone <p> <p>I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear and resist going dancing / climbing alone, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself as to which activity to participate with and which not, based on if I have someone to go with me, within this, I realize that I have not been applying this as a point of practicality but rather of fear, as I fear and resist going alone due to accepting the fear of facing people on my own, and thus, I allow this fear to limit me <p> <p>I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear and resisting doing things alone due to going into my mind in thoughts as back chat and future projections and imaginations of how it will be when if go alone and have people / strangers talk to me <p> <p>I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid going places alone because in my imaginations and future projections of how it will be I cannot come up with how it will be and so I fear the unknown from a starting point of not trusting myself, as if by not knowing exactly how it will be, who will be there and what they will say, I cannot trust that I will know how to handle the situation <p> <p>I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel more comfortable doing things when I have someone to do it with, though when looking practically when I am at the event I do enjoy meeting new people and having new conversations, and so it is not an actual fear of people but more of an idea of fear as future projection and "worst case scenario" syndrom <p> <p>I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the following back chat when thinking of going somewhere alone: <p>"I will be standing there all alone and I will be pathetic" <p>"No one will talk to me and I will look lonely and rejected" <p>"The only people that will talk to me will be the ones I don't want talking to me" <p> <p>I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to investigate the back chat that I have been participating in and thus allowing myself to be directed by it without looking at what it is showing me as who I am <p> <p>I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the back chat "I will be standing there all alone and I will be pathetic" and within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate being alone to being pathetic, as I have place a value on standing alone and have defined it within an energetic polarity as someone unwanted that symbolized being rejected, unwanted <p> <p>I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the belief / idea that no one would prefer being alone and thus being alone would never be by choice, but rather a result of being rejected and unwanted, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place an idea of being alone and thus to separate myself from alone as the living word, within not allowing myself to see myself as who I am as the word alone, and thus within looking at myself as the expression of the word I have not allowed myself to investigate the word within and as myself <p> <p>I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see and realize that, when I am not in my mind in imaginations and ideas and judgments, and allow myself to be here in breath, I do enjoy myself being alone, and thus, I know within myself that being alone is not bad / pathetic, yet I have allowed myself to exist within this idea and live my life accordingly, as accepting this model / construct and playing by those rules, even though within myself I know that I do enjoy doing things alone when I allow myself to do so mind-free <p> <p>When and as I want to do something and see the thoughts / fears / resistance of doing it alone come up, I stop myself and breathe, I bring myself back here to the physical, and remind myself that I do enjoy doing things alone and that it is only the mind as thoughts that is creating the resistance towards doing things alone - within this, I commit myself, when these thoughts as resistance towards doing things alone come up, to stop and breathe and reassess the situation and if practically doing it alone makes sense, then, to push myself to do it and over come the fear as a step towards self trust, as I have evaluated the situation and have directed myself to go ahead and enjoy myself and not allow myself to be limited by the mind's ideas <p> <p>I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that my fear of being alone stems from my judgment towards being alone, and thus the very same judgment I hold towards others as I see them standing alone, I fear facing when it will be turned to me as I stand alone, within tis, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others as less than me, for standing alone, while in fact admiring them and looking up to them for not allowing themselves to be limited, and thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a polarity within my relationship towards the word alone, as I desire the ability to stand alone and thus project that as comparison and hidden jealousy, and at the same time, as to hide from myself the admiration, to spite those that stand alone in judgemt as to view them as pathetic and thus create within myself the fear of being looked at by others in the same way that I judge those that stand alone <p> <p>When and as I see myself judging others for being alone, I stop myself and breathe, I realize that being alone does not define who they are as good or bad, and that by participating in such in-mind gossip I am not only allowing the construct of judgment and gossip to be, but I am also causing myself direct consequences as the fear of being on the other side of the coin, as to be judged as I judge. And so, I commit myself to stop and breathe, to bring myself back here, and look at the physical reality of the situation without the attachments of values I have added to it, as good / bad</p> Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8277550205044907627.post-57542073053935167042013-07-10T11:45:00.001-07:002013-07-10T11:45:03.564-07:00Day 213 - Fear of people – Fear of phone calls<p>I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist making phone calls <p> <p>I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto the memory of myself not wanting to make phone calls as child <p> <p>I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to make phone calls freely, but instead I go into an experience and expression of anxiety and cannot make the phone call with ease <p> <p>I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that making a phone call is in any way scary, not allowing myself to see the practicality of the situation as how safe it is since I am "protected" by the distance created by the technology of the phone, and so, in no way am I ever in direct danger while on the phone and thus the fear and resistance towards making phone calls is obviously irrational <p> <p>I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the irrational thoughts in my head that create the fear of making phone calls and thus, within following these thoughts I have allowed myself to limit and restrict myself from making phone calls freely and with ease irrational <p> <p>I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to make phone calls freely and with ease and instead I have created this fear and resistance around making calls and so I unnecessarily place myself in an experience of anxiety thus, through participating in the irrational thoughts of fear towards making phone calls I am creating inner energetic conflict and turmoil, within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that I am doing this within the addiction to energy and not because there is any common sense in the fear of making phone calls <p> <p>I realize that the fear of making phone calls is a manipulation of my mind to create energy as the inner conflict that arise within me through wanting to make a phone call but then resisting it due to fear and so I realize that this fear is not serving nor protecting me but instead it is limiting me from expressing myself freely and effectively, thus, when and as I see myself go into the fear or resistance of making a phone call I stop myself and breathe, I take some deep breaths and remind myself there is nothing to fear, I am perfectly safe on this side of the phone. <p> <p>Within this I allow myself to look at the specific fears that come up and reassure myself that they are fictions of my imagination through the illusions of the mind and do not bare any truth as within the physical reality <p> <p>and so, I commit myself, when facing the fear of making a phone call, to forgive myself in that very moment and within breath, to pick up the phone and make the call, thus proving to myself that I am self directed and am not directed by the mind as thoughts, fears and self limitations. Within this I commit myself to investigate the points of fear and within self forgiveness to clear myself from all and any points that do not in fact support me as life and instead sabotage me from expressing myself fully and living my true potential . <p> <p>I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear making phone calls because I imagine in my mind the scenario of not getting across and having communication problems and in the end being rejected, and so, to prevent this imaginary imagination I will avoid making the phone call, not realizing and seeing the physical truth that if I don't allow myself to make phone calls in fear of hearing a possible no, I am actually preventing myself from hearing the yes, and so instead of supporting me in preparing myself better I am actually sabotaging myself from ever getting closer to that which I want, thus I realize, see and understand that by preventing myself from being rejected, within the belief that I am protecting myself, I am in fact harming myself and preventing myself from achieving anything substantial, thus, I realize that when and as I need to make a phone call and I see the fear of calling come up, and the back chat / thoughts as all the reasons and excuses why I should avoid making the call, I stop myself and breathe, I bring myself back here to my physical body, to the physical reality and see what is practical and within this I see that making the phone call and facing the possible rejection is the only way I can get closer to achieving my goals, while not making the phone call in fear is a certainty to a life of regret. <p> <p>So the choice is clear, there really isn't any choice, within self support I must make the phone call, within self honesty I can only choose self honesty, and thus, I cannot allow myself to be directed by the fear any longer, I commit myself to when facing such points of fear, to stop and breathe, to prepare myself to the best of my ability within realizing that only practical application will perfect me, and so I cannot be as good as I want to be in my mind without walking the physical steps as actually doing it practically in the physical and through practice to improve and prefect my performance.</p> Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8277550205044907627.post-22512941281906056062013-07-09T00:09:00.001-07:002013-07-09T00:09:41.050-07:00Day 212 - Fear of people – Voices in my head<p>Before I'm about to participate in some form of human interaction, or even when I'm just at the stage of thinking about doing something, the back chat comes up and "takes over me", I start hearing this voice in my head or seeing images as scenarios, telling me and showing me what can go wrong and how uncomfortable I will feel, and in most cases I believe the voices and images as the truth, as a representative of a rational reality and thus, I will change my plans accordingly, to suit the hallucinations in my head. <p> <p>I realize that the voice and images are not an actual reflection of any rational reality but only of my fears and insecurities, and I realize that each time that I allow myself to follow them and change my self expression to accommodate to my fears I am giving them more power over me and am thus giving my power away, and so I grow weaker and weaker with every though / voice / image that I believe and follow. <p> <p>I wanted to go rock climbing but have no one to go with, so the images were of me in that big room, climbing by myself, alone, this image connected to a feeling of rejection and of not belonging, like if I go alone it would be a test of whether I can make friends or not, like if I were to stay alone for the entire time that would mean that I have failed and if I end up knowing some new people I have succeeded - writing it out now, the funny this is that there are so many advantages of doing things alone, but because I have attached a negative emotional and association to it I avoid it. <p> <p>I've had some times in my life where I allowed myself to do things alone and I found that I am much more with myself when I am not busy with others as entertainment, and so, even though I have proven to myself many times that doing things alone is awesome I still have allowed myself to exist in fear towards it, within an idea that it will reflect my poor ability and skills of interacting with people. <p> <p>Another point here is that within participating in this fear of being rejected by people because I believe I do not know how to interact with them, and thus my being alone is proof of my failure and inadequacy - I cause myself to feel so uncomfortable, like I'm being tested, because I am testing myself, and then I don't allow myself to simply be in the moment in breath, but I try too hard, try to achieve something, to get a smile, or some form of recognition, to prove to myself that the people around me are noticing me as a positive being and not ignoring me as I don't exist or matter. <p> <p>Here, this brings up the point of requiring some form of external feedback to recognize myself, as I have separated myself from myself to such an extent that I can only see my existence and hereness through the recognition of others. <p>Oh man… <p> <p>I see this and I am appalled at how I have allowed myself to live and exist, how we as society have accepted and allowed this behavior as a total dependency and complete disregard of self. <p> <p>I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the voices and the images in my head, and allow myself to follow them as the god of me without seeing and realizing that they are based only on fear and insecurity and not on common sense and the physical reality as what is really here <p> <p>I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect emotions to words and thus fear living them, as I have separated myself from words that I fear and within accepting this fear towards the words such as the word alone as an example, I have allowed myself to avoid these words as avoid living them as myself and thus allowing myself to be directed by the thoughts and fear of this word, instead of seeing the word for what it is and living it as allowing myself to express myself without fearing this word <p>Alone, rejection, friendly, belonging, left out <p> <p>These are some of the words that come to me as I'm writing, as words that I have attached positive and negative energies to and thus desire to experience some and fear experiencing the others - all these words represents ideas I have created about myself and about relationships, and about morality and what is good and bad. But non of that is true, and non of that is actually decided by myself, it has all been programmed into me by myself through my acceptance through learning from my society, and thus, reliving the same construct - nothing new under the sun <p> <p>I realize that when back chat and images come up within me as a reflection of some fear, I have a responsibility and an opportunity to stop myself and breathe, and to then investigate the words that I have attached the values and energies to, and to allow myself to clear myself form the energetic attachment I have placed on the words and to then allow myself to redefine them within the principle of equality as what is best for all. <p> <p>I commit myself to when thoughts and back chat about fear of being alone come up within me, I stop and breathe, I look at the point as the natural self expression that I am limiting myself from, and I allow my self to within letting go the fear of the word alone, to consider all points available to me and make a clear decision within self honesty, as to what to participate with and what not. Thus, not to "do everything that I fear" blindly, but not allow myself to shy away from my own self expression due to fear <p> <p>I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that the fear of people that I have is not actually a fear of people but a fear of myself as the experience of alone and rejection and the experience of me being tested, these are all done by me alone within and as my participation with my mind, and thus, I forgive myself for not seeing and realizing that I do not fear people, but I fear my own reactions to my surroundings, and I have just beem blaming people on my reactions to them instead of taking full responsibility and seeing that it is not them, but it is me that is doing it to myself.</p> Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8277550205044907627.post-87323709711435598812013-07-07T23:46:00.001-07:002013-07-07T23:46:59.643-07:00Day 211 - Fear of people - Part 2<p>I forgive myself for accepting ad allowing myself to go into fear when thinking about and planning meeting new people <p> <p>I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine in my mind the scenario of meeting and talking to new people and then to go into fear when I compare my idea of how reality will be to the imagined scenario <p> <p>I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the thought that in my mind I always have the right and effective response and comeback but in reality I stutter and loose my words and freeze <p> <p>I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine the scenario in my mind, not realizing that I am by doing so, creating a polarity between how I am in my mind and how I am in reality, as in reality things are not as smooth as in the mind, and so, instead of supporting myself through this imagination I am actually sabotaging myself in comparing myself in reality to myself in the mind, and knowing that I can never live up to this comparison <p> <p>I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that feeling comfortable with people and talking to new people with ease will come with practice in the physical reality and not through participating in mind imaginations as what that causes is for me to try and recreate in reality that which I have practiced in my mind, and thus not allowing myself to be here and present within the interaction and conversation, and so again, the imagination is in fact sabotaging me and not supporting me in becoming a better communicator <p> <p>I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the more I wait and postpone interacting with people the harder it gets from the perspective of the mind will believe it is harder, and in fact, the sooner I do it the sooner I will be comfortable with doing it, and so once again showing me that all the mind wants is not to support me in becoming effective and fulfilled but rather to limit me and maintain the fear as the self belief of who I am. <p> <p>I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by what I know myself to be as fear of people, instead of allowing myself, within realizing that this fear and avoidance is just making my life harder and myself less effective human being, to walk through this fear, and face it head on, and not shy away from it until I have overcome it, until I am not afraid of the fear itself any more and can move and direct myself in any way or direction that is what is most beneficial in each moment <p> <p>I realize that the fear of people is maintained through my participation with it, and so, when and as I see myself participating in fear of people, I stop myself and breathe, and I push myself to act despite my fear, and to push myself to face my fear and not run away from it, until I have done it so many times that I have proven to myself through my physical application that this fear is not relevant nor supporting me in any way <p>realize that there have been so many situations in my life where I wanted to do something, as tonight I wanted to go dancing, but then the fear of people comes up and prevents me from going out and exploring and expressing myself, and actually limits me and refines me into a small box as my reality, within this, I commit myself to, when and as I see myself preventing myself from going out and enjoying myself and expressing myself because of the back chat of fear of people, I stop myself and breathe!! - And I push myself to deliberately do that which I fear, (within obviously considering the practicality of the point and not in any way put myself in actual danger just to prove myself a point) - and so, I commit myself to when avoiding a situation due to thoughts as back chat of fear of people, I stand up within myself and get up and move to that point which I fear - within this, I commit myself to then investigate the situation, the fear and the physical outcome - within this, I realize that by standing up and walking through my fear it is not promised that the outcome will be what I want, in other words, I realize that I will experience that which I fear most as for instance rejection, and so, I realize that the outcome of me going out and not preventing myself from expressing myself due to fear of people, is not the point as the outcome can go either way, and so, I commit myself to not judge myself and the situation according to the outcome, and so not open that back door as to tell myself that "I've tried and it just doesn't work" but instead to realize that it's not about succeeding in anything it's about allowing myself to live fully and not limit myself due to a fear of people that has been directing me throughout my life.</p> Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8277550205044907627.post-86690376044804850932013-07-07T00:03:00.001-07:002013-07-07T00:03:45.541-07:00Day 210 - Avoiding human interaction - Fear of people<p>I started a new type of job and it requires me to push through and walk beyond my comfort zone, I have to approach people, call people, talk to people, and sell to people - when I was a child I wouldn't even like going up to the bagel stand and buy a bagel - I would ask the grown ups to do it for me, I didn't like phoning my friend's home (back in the day before everybody had their own private line or cell phone) because I didn't want their parents to pick up and talk to me, I hid through out my entire bat miztva party so I wouldn't have to talk to my relatives, and the list of situations where I avoided interaction with people goes on and on - and now I am walking into a line of work that is 100% people oriented… <p> <p>So, why did I fear people so much? Well, there was "what if I don't speak clearly and they don't understand what I'm saying" (specifically in the states where I was self conscious about my Israeli accent), "what if they ask me something and I don't understand or hear the question and I have to have them ask or explain it again and it becomes an awkward moment", "what if they ask me how I am doing and I don't know what to answer" - I always had this idea about myself that I don't know how to hold a "small-talk" conversation, that I'm not good with the chit chat, that other people seem to do so naturally, I always felt awkward, I never like those awkward moments when no one is speaking and I feel like it's my responsibility to direct the conversation but I don't have anything substantial to say. This point is interesting because I'm been living and expressing myself as a character that is very friendly and outspoken, and I give an impression as if I am confidant and comfortable around people, but I have always been very self conscious and uncomfortable. <p> <p>There is one specific memory I have, I was about 5 years old and I'm walking by a group of people, they are sitting on their porch and I remember I was worried about them watching me, so I walked by and had my head facing the ground but my eyes were turned towards them, looking at them, checking to see if they are looking at me - years later I've seen kids doing the same thing and it's hilarious because all I wanted was to be invisible, I didn't want to be seen or looked at, and then I go ahead and walk in such an obvious way, which draws that much more attention… lol… <p> <p>I've spent so much time and energy worrying about what other people will think of me, allowing this to limit me into a freeze where I don't want to do or say anything is fear of the interaction, fear of messing up, making a fool out of myself, being seen as a joke, humiliating myself, and so on. <p> <p>I've learnt to deal with this construct but I is very much still alive and kicking within me, still wanting to be validated and approved, still feeling awkward speaking to people that I am intimidated by, still get intimidated by people that for some reason I have defined as superior in some way, or myself, in relation to them, as inferior. <p> <p>So I'm now facing this journey, and this job is a great opportunity to walk through these points, it's kind of like a big practice field, where I get to push myself again and again and again to face these inner demons as these fears that I have allowed myself to be directed by and that I have allowed to control my life. <p> <p>I'll open this point up further with self forgiveness, to prepare me for the coming week, and I'll come back to this point as I walk it and as points come up. Already just by starting writing about it all these memories came up , so there is plenty of work to do here in clearing myself and allowing myself to change out of this character that I have lived throughout my life, as it has not been supportive, nor effective at all, and it's about time to let it go and "grow up" as I nurture myself and grow upwards into and as myself, as to live and express the full potential of myself that I have not been allowing myself to live and exist as because I have been allowing myself to diminish myself in fears as self limitation.</p> Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8277550205044907627.post-41955795448703350922013-07-05T18:20:00.001-07:002013-07-05T18:20:14.043-07:00Day 209 - Speaking the information instead of living as example<p>I've noticed that most people that I talk to about my process go into a form of defense and I was looking at it today as it happened again - I couldn't understand why all my friends and relatives say that they respect me but then when I show them the common sense of the desteni material they don't really go and investigate or ask me for some links or how to get started, they all have created an idea about desteni through one video that they saw and didn't like, and even though I'm not as pushy as I used to be, still people are rejecting, resisting and objecting what I say - today I was talking with my aunt, now, she has always been the person in my life that was working on herself, searching for the truth of reality, questioning authority, and so on, and I'm sure that part of the reason I could hear the desteni message is due to what I've learnt from her as a role model at an earlier age - and now I feel like I want to repay the favor in a way, I know that she will benefit so much if she were to walk this process, I feel responsible to show her the way, and support her through the transition if she chooses to take it - as of yet, she is not budging. <p> <p>So today, as we were walking I questioned myself and my approach and my communication in regards to the desteni point and I realized that I have not been sharing my experience, I have always only shared information, and so what happens is that we end up having an argument, like a power game in regards to the information that we are sharing, each standing by their own "side", and I mean, why should they believe what I am saying about how things are, they know things are otherwise, so it goes back and forth and has no end, because we are talking about information….. <p> <p>I know this is pretty basic, and I think I've actually seen this point before, but here I am, back at square one, realizing the same point over again, and maybe now I will actually learn from myself and apply myself differently to get different results that actually serve me and those around me. <p> <p>I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel responsible towards others process from the perspective of it being my responsibility to expose them to the information so that they can make an informed decision as to walk the process to support themselves, within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that my eagerness to have others join and walk the process is a projection of actually wanting myself to walk the process, as if in a way if I "get someone in" it would compensate not walking effectively myself <p> <p>I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to live as an example, and within seeing the responsibility I have of sharing these tools and process of self support, and within realizing time and time again that sharing information is not the key, thus, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take self responsibility and actually apply myself in such a way that I can stand stable and proud within myself knowing that I am practicing first and speaking later, thus sharing my experience and self realizations rather than another belief system as another religion. <p> <p>I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that each friend / relative that have been resisting / rejecting me and the information I expose them to, has been doing me a favor from the perspective of showing me that I am talking about information rather than actually speaking and being the living word, and thus, I forgive myself for accepting ad allowing myself to react towards my friends / family in anger and frustration when I couldn't get my point across, while missing the actual point of speaking from and as myself, and thus speaking as the living word as words I have actually lived and am living, not as an ideal but as an actual way of life. <p> <p>I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see and realize that by speaking and sharing information I am leading us towards an argument of ego as both sides want to be right, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to share information about desteni within the starting point of wanting to be right and wanting to show them and prove to them that my way is the right way, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want them to join and participate with desteni within a self interest starting point, as I want the "points" as recognition of bringing someone in the group, as well as wanting someone from my life that is walking the process as well as if to receive by than an external approval for what I'm doing <p> <p>I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that even though I present myself as wanting others to join desteni and walk their process for their own benefit, I am actually doing it from a self interest starting point, and the clear indication of that is my reaction within the situation, I realize that when I am clear from this starting point and am actually sharing within a supportive starting point, I could then just share that which I can, and expect nothing as a result, and thus experience no energy - in other words, the energetic experience is showing me that I am not clear within my starting point and that I am in fact acting within hidden self interest <p> <p>When and as I speak about and share my process and see myself going into an energetic experience as frustration / wanting to be right / argumentative / insisting I stop myself and breathe, I realize that I'm doing so within a starting point of self interest and am speaking for my own ego and benefit, within this I realize that I cannot support another from a self interest starting point and thus I stop and breathe, I stop the "I want to be right" desire starting point within me, and communicate about the point only from stability, again, within realizing that I am not supporting anyone by doing so from a self interest starting point <p> <p>I realize that only by living as an example can I ever really support others to change themselves, and thus I realize that being a living example of the principles of equality as what is best for all, means that I must start with myself through actually supporting myself daily with the tools of writing and self forgiveness and breath, as I get to know who I am as who I have allowed myself to become and change myself as I learn to better support myself to become an effective human being in this world, thus, when and as I see myself not speaking from my personal experience but instead speaking from a starting point of knowledge as an idea / belief, I stop myself and breathe, I prefer to be silent as I work to change and perfect myself first , and only when I can share my experience in a supportive manner do I speak about it, thus, not allowing myself to just speak for the sake of speaking but to be aware of the power and influence that my words have, and use them with awareness and care.</p> Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8277550205044907627.post-38738271961729383732013-07-05T18:09:00.001-07:002013-07-05T18:09:00.265-07:00Day 208 - My dog ate my laptop’s power cord<p>Woke up a few days ago and found my laptop's power cord all chewed up, I've been living with my brother's 13 week old cute puppy so it wasn't a big mystery as to what happened… I got really mad and yelled at her, held her down with the broken cable in my hand showing her what she did was wrong, making sure she knew she'd been bad - but how could she have known? Did she know? All she does most of the time is chew on things - some things are her toys made for her to chew on and some are my shoes, the table, the sofa, socks, the staircase and cables, wire and cords - She is a puppy, that's what they do, they chew on things…</p> <p> <p>Looking at my reaction, It's clear that I'm more upset about the laptop's power cord being destroyed than I am when she chews on other things because of my relationship to my laptop - because I practically use it daily, so from that perspective I have to put many things on hold when I don't have access to my laptop, but I also got upset because I thought it meant that I would have to now spend time and money to replace it, and I know I can't afford not to, so I must do it now. I ended up spending a few hours going around from store to store in the are just to find out that I can't get it in the store because I have a unique power cord, and that I must get it online, which was a problem cause by now I didn't have any battery life left so my laptop was dead - but, the funny thing is, had I just bought it online instead of going all over the place and reacting for being hassled, it would have taken me 10 minutes, and it was actually very cheap - but because I reacted and made a big deal out of it, I got a big deal out of it while it wasn't really a big deal at all - if I had not reacted I would have phoned the places and have seen they don't have the proper size cord, I could have checked online to see what I am looking for and how much it costs and would have found out how cheap it was - bottom line is that my reaction took over and I couldn't from that point act practically and effectively, and so made it much harder for myself, and for the puppy, as my reaction was not pleasant for her, it was violent and abusive. <p> <p>I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in violence and abuse towards the puppy because she had chewed on something that i perceive as valuable, I realize that nothing justifies a reaction of violence and abuse - when and as I see myself reacting in anger I stop myself and breathe, I bring myself back here to the physical body and breathe, I commit myself to only "educate" my dog within a starting point of stability and support and to not communicate with her from a starting point of anger as that comes out as the expression of violence and abuse. <p> <p>I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value some objects more than others as I create different relationships with my things, and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within energy when anything happens to any of the items that I value - within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize the value I have placed on things is related to money and thus it is not really my relationship to the thing itself but rather my relationship to money - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by my relationship towards money and within this to allow myself to react with anger as the expression of violence and abuse due to the thought of now having to spend money on buying a new cord <p> <p>I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in blame towards the puppy as I blame her for being the cause of me now having to go out and buy a new cord, blaming her for wasting my time and money, while I have not allowed myself to take full responsibility for the event within for instance not making sure the puppy has enough chew bones to chew on, and that I have left the cord just laying around carelessly, within this I also forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to investigate the point of blame as a reflection of that which I judge and blame myself for as spending my own time and money recklessly, as I am not yet living every moment effectively and thus I waste my time, and I am not yet spending my money effectively and so I waste my money - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not actually make clear and direct decisions as to how to spend my time and money but instead I have allowed myself to be directed by emotions, reactions and distractions as the god of me as the deciding factor of what I spend my time and money on <p> <p>I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that within reacting in anger towards the puppy I am teaching her and indoctrinating her into a world of energetic communication, and so I am responsible for her learning to use and abuse energy, thus, I realize that I must prevent myself from reacting with energy towards the puppy as with children, when we react with energy they then learn to use the energy as emotional manipulation, and so I am trapping her in that form of energetic communication by being an energetic role model - I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize the responsibility of teaching and training another being to exist and live in this world, and thus I have a responsibility to teach and train within stability and not indoctrinate another being to depend on energy and use energy within relationships and communication. <p> <p>I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that my reaction towards my brother's puppy is with more anger / energy than when my own puppy got in trouble, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that I have been bias towards puppies and within that I will tolerate my things being chewed only if it is done by MY puppy, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a condition as if to say that only in the condition that I am your favorite human and if you show that you love me the most , then it's ok for you to chew on my things and I will still love you and not build up resentment, but, if you are not MY puppy and you love another human more then me, then it's not cool that you wreck my stuff… lol.. It's the same with parents / children <p> <p>I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to favorite my own child / puppy and within that to tolerate their behavior while when others will behave in the same way I will react with energy as anger, within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be stable within myself and to give to all equally the same response as a response of support and consideration, within supporting them as myself to become discipline and to realize what is the most practical and effective behavior that will support all equally - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as an example of bias and inequality</p> Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8277550205044907627.post-51429745389423386472013-07-01T00:48:00.001-07:002013-07-01T00:48:38.582-07:00Day 207 - Going to the bank and vocabulary<p>Today I went to the back and left feeling like I was run over by a truck and then a train… <p>I had to open an account and enquire about building credit - the bankers spoke to me and I had to have them repeat everything over and over because I wasn't familiar with the vocabulary, and so I had to understand these things for the first time on all levels of understanding - what does that word mean, how do I connect the meaning of the words to what they said earlier, how does all that new information and new concepts connect with the entire picture of what I need to be done. <p> <p>I was there for about two hours, when, at a certain point, I just had to leave because I couldn't hear any more, I couldn't absorb anymore, I was blocked - they spoke and spoke and then asked if it made sense, and the only reply I had was "I don't know what you are talking about" I was completely out of it. <p> <p>So, I see here two points - the first is, since I've become more aware of the importance of vocabulary - this scenario is what children experience at school, where they are bombarded with new information and terminology and vocabulary, that no body really takes the time to make sure that it is completely and entirely understood and integrated, and then they are bombarded with the relationships of this new information, while, if the base foundation, as the vocabulary is not in place then the next step seems impossible to grasp, and reflecting from my experience today, children must go into so many reactions such as feeling stupid, ashamed, confused, misunderstood, some might joke around to relieve the stress and tension as a coping mechanism, others might become angry / mad and get into trouble, and all this is based on simply not having an effective educational structure, nor effective communication, nor effective assessments of where a child is actually at - it would be cool if teachers knew how to communicate with children in consideration to where they are at, at the moment, because if we overload them with information that they can't take in - are we actually supporting them? <p> <p>This leads to the second point of my reacting towards being in such a situation of not knowing the information, and having to learn it for the first time, being at the stage of concrete learning, where it is an actual effort to understand because the terms and relationships are not clear - I experienced shame, because I judged myself for not knowing these things "I should know this by now", I see now that being 33 and having no banking knowledge whatsoever is a consequence of not taking self responsibility and living in some form of dream land where things just happen and work out without me having to put in any effort in making things happen… I have taken money for granted all my life, and within that I allowed myself to create a resistance towards going to the bank, a resistance I "inherited" directly from my mother - now I'm at a point where I have moved to another country and I can't ask my dad to go to the bank for me, and I must start understanding all the details of my account and make informed decisions, I am now eating the fruits of my upbringing as my parents did everything to protect me from the outside world and unintentionally have help me become a weak and independent person. <p> <p>I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react at the bank within an experience of information overload <p> <p>I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into the experience of shame when I saw how little I know within the vocabulary and construct of the banking system <p> <p>I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience overwhelmingness at the bank and thus to shut myself off and not be able to hear anything, instead of remaining here in breath and continue listening and taking notes without allowing myself to go into a mind shut down <p> <p>I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to understand that this vocabulary and information is new to me and thus will take some effort to understand fully, and instead I went into self judgment within an idea that I should have already known these things by now <p> <p>I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that allowing myself to become overwhelmed is now blocking me from hearing the new information that I am judging myself for not knowing, and thus, not supporting myself to improve the situation but instead maintaining the problem - I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the mind as I go into overwhelmingness and thus am not able to be here and walk the practical physical steps of learning the new points / vocabulary of banking <p> <p>I realize that when learning something new takes time and effort, and thus, when and as I am learning / faced with something new and see myself go into overwhelmingness I stop myself and breathe, I remind myself that I am here, and that everything learnt is learnt one step at a time, I realize that only by pushing through the reaction of overwhelmingness will I emerge from the other side of the learning scale with a new understanding and vocabulary <p> <p>I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the self belief that I don't understand banking, and thus to expect from myself to become overwhelmed and so I prepare myself to not understand by accepting myself as the self belief as someone that doesn't understand banks, instead of letting go this idea of myself and allowing myself to approach it in a way that would best serve me and my understanding of the point <p> <p>I realize that believing about myself that "I am not good with banks" is not supporting myself because it actually creates he problem as accepted limitation that I then live out, and so, when and as I see myself participating in the back chat of "I am not good with banks / these things" I stop myself and breathe, I realize that I have a choice whether to continue justifying my ignorance and maintaining it, or I can stop it and make a decision to learn and become aware and expand within this point that I have felt inadequate with, and to prove myself wrong, instead of always sabotaging myself to prove me as the mind, right.</p> Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8277550205044907627.post-57463558567373001652013-06-29T02:00:00.001-07:002013-06-29T02:00:49.965-07:00Day 206 - Questions and hidden agendas - continued<p>In yesterdays' blog i missed a main point - I wrote about possible starting points for asking a question with a hidden agenda, but I missed the following one, and I think it has actually been a dominant one in my experience - it's when I ask a question within the starting point of arrogance, as seeing the other from above, believing that I see something that they don't, and while it may be true I am not acting within a starting point of support but of separation and superiority <p> <p>I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act / believe myself to be superior to another when I see that I see something that they don't and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ask questions within that starting point of arrogance and superiority instead of asking and speaking within a starting point of direct and clear communication, support and guidance. <p> <p>I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that as I see myself in others, my reaction towards others asking me questions is in fact a fear of being treated with arrogance and superiority as I have been treating others within my mind and within my reaction in my tonality and expression. <p> <p>When and as I see myself asking / speaking from a starting point of a hidden agenda, I stop and breathe, bring myself back here and direct myself to slow myself down and communicate in breath, as to be clear and direct within what I am saying, and make sure that it is not within a starting point of arrogance / superiority / spitefulness. I commit myself, when and as I see myself going into any of these starting points when speaking to others, specifically when asking questions, to stop myself immediately and breath, I commit myself to breathe in silence until I am certain I am stable and can speak again within participating with the energy of the reaction and thus, making sure I am not creating un necessary back chat in the other's mind, and make sure I am not recreating the situation. <p> <p>I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others when I see them asking me within a starting point of superiority / arrogance / spitefulness / hidden agenda, I realize that as long as I react I am showing me that I have not yet cleared myself from that point, and thus, I commit myself, instead of turning to judgment, to turn to gratefulness as I am now able to see that this point is not yet clear within me <p> <p>I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others when I see them asking me questions from energetic starting points, I realize that as long as I react I am showing myself that their comment moved me, and thus I commit myself to investigate why is this point a trigger point for me, and within this, I commit myself to do so in gratefulness for having the opportunity to see that I am unstable in regards to the point. And I commit myself to support myself through writing the point out and applying self forgiveness in self honesty until the point is clear and understood. <p> <p>I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to actually stop myself and breathe before I react, thus, not allowing myself to do what is actually needed, as to stop and breath and return here, in order to prevent the energetic build up from accumulating and within it creating the aggression within me that I then express within my expression and communication <p> <p>I commit myself to stop my participation when I see myself asking a question within a starting point of energy, I stop and breathe, and only when stable speak again. <p> <p>I commit myself, when I am asked a question and I see myself reacting to it, to the how it's being asked, to stop myself and breathe, to allow myself to hear the question and remove all energetic attachment to it, and only listen to the words spoken, in order for me to actually hear if there is anything I can learn and expand from within the question, or if the other can learn and expand within such a conversation, and so I commit myself to direct myself within the conversation within a starting point of support as what is best for all</p> Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8277550205044907627.post-80220475018306248602013-06-28T00:39:00.001-07:002013-06-28T00:39:48.131-07:00Day 205 - Questions and hidden agenda<p>I hate it when people ask me questions and I can see / hear the undertone that they are actually questioning me, as they are not asking from a naïve starting point, but it's like they have something to say, but they won't just go ahead and say it, so they are asking questions that lean to what they really want to say. <p> <p>I had that happen today, and clearly I reacted... <p> <p>I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to someone asking me a question within creating an idea / belief that they have a secret agenda <p> <p>I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when believing someone has a secret agenda while asking me a question, to not allow myself to listen unconditionally but instead I react and resist what is being said <p> <p>I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame the other for asking me questions within secret agendas instead of looking at my reaction and taking the opportunity to investigate myself and understand why am I allowing this to be a trigger point for a reaction such as anger <p> <p>I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that the way the person is asking the question and whether they have secret motives or not, is no excuse or justification for me to react and "loose my cool", and thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame them for their expression instead of taking it back to self and investigating myself within my accepted reaction. <p> <p>I realize that my reaction towards someone asking me a question with a secret agenda indicated that I do it as well, and as I am sitting here typing this blog, I found myself doing it, asking a question in order to "get to something" it was very subtle - I realize that this isn't a point of right / wrong, because in some occasions it may be valid to direct the conversation in such a way, I realize it always has to do with the starting point - am I hiding something in fear as I tipi tow around a point instead of speaking clearly and directly, or am I doing so within directing the situation within consideration of all that are involved? <p> <p>And so, I realize that when others do it, I cannot judge them because I don't know their starting point, all I can now see is my reaction to the situation - where in today's situation I saw that when they asked me the question and I reacted, it showed me that I wasn't clear on the point, and so I felt attacked and pressured - showing me that instead of walking in humbleness I am walking in pride and ego <p> <p>I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others for questioning me within a hidden agenda within defining it as wrong and manipulative, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it's not about right or wrong but about the starting point of myself within the situation <p> <p>I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ask questions instead of speaking directly within the starting point of fear of conflict, within tip towing around the other person <p> <p>I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see and realize that when others tip tow around me as they ask me questions, instead of getting angry with them in blame I can look at myself and consider my reactions <p> <p>It's interesting how it is all connected, because the one asking me in fear, and tipi towing around the point instead of speaking directly does so in fear of my reaction, and all along that approach is what triggers my reaction… and from the other side, I react to how they are asking me so I answer with anger and impatient and blame them for how they do things, while all along giving them the justification for their initial tip tow as they see they were right to fear me because look at how I react, and so the loop continues… <p> <p>Within this I also realize that since it is a loop I have an opportunity to stop my participation in it at every moment, and so, the only reason this loop continues is because I have continued to participate with it, while blaming the others in my mind that it's their fault and their expression that caused the problem to begin with. <p> <p>I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take responsibility for my own reactions and instead have accepted and allowed myself to hide in blame and thus to perpetuate the problem as the conflict and energetic reaction within myself and the other. <p> <p>I'll continue with this point tomorrow</p> Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8277550205044907627.post-50184673190111327592013-06-26T11:55:00.001-07:002013-06-26T11:55:39.464-07:00Day 204 - One breath at a time<p>There are little things that I need to get done, and the smaller and insignificant they are the bigger and intimidating the seem - so I need to remind myself to focus on breath and walk through the points one breath at a time, one point at a time - these are physical points and I have a tendency to place them in my mind and work at them in my mind, and become anxious and exhausted by working with them so much, when in fact I haven't yet done a thing in the physical reality - I have only spent time in my mind in thought and future projection. <p> <p>I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into my mind as thoughts and future projections in regards to "the little things" that need to be done, instead of practically doing what needs to be done in the physical reality, one step at a time <p> <p>I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into my mind in planning out how and what I will do and create scenarios of what will happen when doing the tasks that I need to do, and thus experience myself as if I have done so much until I reach a point of feeling exhausted even though I have not done anything really yet <p> <p>I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the experience of being exhausted by all the mind activity I have been participating with, instead of realizing that what I have done in my mind is not an actual physical doing and that in order to get things done I actually have to step out of my mind, stop my participation with it, and physically do what needs to be done in real space / time reality <p> <p>I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that by participating within my mind as going on and on about the things that need to be done instead of actually physically doing them, I am separating myself from these activities and thus, creating an idea within myself that these activities are separate than me and thus will be hard / difficult to achieve, not realizing that by separating myself from thee activities, through thinking about them instead of doing them, I am creating an un-necessary barrier between me and them, and making it harder for myself - while all along, if I were to simply do what needs to be done, and walk the physical time line in breath, I would just have to practically deal with anything that physically comes along and find the practical solutions <p> <p>I forgive myself for not seeing, realizing and understanding that going to my mind and planning in my mind instead of writing the points down and actually acting on them in the physical, I am sabotaging myself as a point of self spite, as I am deliberately creating for myself a barrier and more difficulty instead of doing what is practical and supportive for me to do <p> <p>I forgive myself for not see, realizing and understanding that by sabotaging myself through existing in my mind in planning and future projections, I am making sure that I fail, as to prove to myself that my self belief of inadequacy is accurate and justified - thus in fact by participating with my mind I am deliberately paving my way to certain failure, as to not let go of the self definition, self belief, religion of self as a loser / failure / inadequate - thus, within paving my own road towards failure I am making myself right and thus by sabotaging myself and failing myself I am giving myself the satisfaction of being right about who I am, as if proving to myself that my self belief it a fact, while it is in fact only self limiting and denying self of the opportunity of change and growth <p> <p>When and as I see myself going into my mind in planning ahead my steps, I stop and breath, I realize that all these planning only accumulate to anxiety and exhaustion, if not being applied practically in the physical, and thus, I commit myself, when I see myself going into my mind in planning, to stop and breathe, to take a pen and paper and write the points down and priorities them and within this, I commit myself to practically move through the points in the physical reality, one breath at a time <p> <p>When and as i see myself going into my mind in planning and becoming overwhelmed by all the "little things" that need to be done, I stop and breathe, I realize that going down this path is not productive and is in fact distractive and will create consequences as the points seem to grow bigger and bigger, and so, I state to myself who I am, I am here, I am walking these points in the physical reality, and I am facing any point that opens up in the physical, I take responsibility for my actions in the physical and I make sure that I research the points of application and do what is best in every situation - in this I commit myself to walk the points one by one, and ensure that I stand by each point in simply knowing what and why I am doing, and thus, I commit myself to making clear decisions within my movement in the physical, so that I am accountable and liable for all that I do in the physical. religion </p> Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8277550205044907627.post-63564704635385575412013-06-25T21:47:00.001-07:002013-06-25T21:47:33.329-07:00Day 203 - What will it take to support myself<p>I've been walking around this point for a long time, having the tools to support myself but not applying them, knowing exactly what I must do to help myself to step out of my own mind set of limitation and self despise, and support myself to walk here, with, as and for myself, in stability. <p> <p>I've known these tools for years, and have been resisting applying them, thus resisting supporting myself, depriving myself of the support, it's like if I were a doctor and saw someone gasping for air and would deprive them of the support that I know I can give them and I can see how much they need - depriving self of the support self requires to stand up in stability it's self abuse, it's self hatred, it's self neglect - it's not acceptable and cannot be justified - and must be stopped. <p> <p>Within myself I knew this all along, and thus, this knowing yet not applying, created inner conflict as knowing what I must do for myself and yet not doing it and so, instead of applying the tools of self support I have turned to self judgment and more self loathing as a form of punishment instead of simply becoming aware of myself not supporting myself and changing myself to live the self support I know I require - within this, I see that not supporting myself results in even greater problems, where, now, it's not just that I am depriving myself the support - in addition to depriving myself the support I am aware of what I'm doing and am hating myself for not supporting myself - so this one act of depriving myself the support I require and as a result judging myself for it, has a double impact of self abuse - and so, within not supporting myself I am playing straight into the mind's hands, as, by not supporting myself, I am creating more back chat, more judgment, and more energy thus increasing the problem that much more, instead of simply taking the physical actions of supporting myself to decrease the problem, and eventually to eliminate it. Which one must ask oneself - why am I not willing to do what is necessary to eliminate the problem? And the answer that follows is that one has not made a clear decision to change - and so, as long as I fear changing, as long as I fear losing myself more than what I actually have to lose by not changing - I will never change - and so, one must ask oneself, why do I fear changing? What have I got to lose? And the answer that follows is clearly nothing - I have nothing to lose but my self definition / belief / idea as who I am within the accepted limitation of who I am - which is such an odd thing, because that which I want to change within myself is that which I fear losing!?!?!?!? <p> <p>So, what will it take for me to support myself? What must happen? <p> <p>This point opened up today as I was faced with the physical reality of what would the consequences be if I do not start supporting myself, I experienced a breakdown over the smallest thing , and obviously, if I breakdown over the small stuff, one can only imagine how would I react to big problems / issues / decisions I may face - I experienced myself in such emotional instability that I couldn't decide the smallest decisions - so obviously I am not living as effectively as I can if I were to support myself to self realize, and stabilize myself - so I can see the level of instability I can easily reach over the little things, I can see the physical consequences of what's at stake and what I can lose, I can see the state of constant self disappointment for knowing I am not embracing myself, not supporting myself to become the best that I can be - I see all this, and I know I have the power and ability to give myself exactly what I need, to walk the process of self forgiveness to letting go of all of these self sabotaging patterns and rebirth myself as a being that is self supportive and trust worthy - so what am I waiting for? <p> <p>So, here I am , starting over, committing myself to support myself or else - or else I will deem myself to feel miserable forever, deem myself to be unstable, deem myself to self judgment, deem myself to failure, deem myself to loneliness - I can either support myself to live here within breath in every moment, or I can kill myself a slow and painful death as I walk as the shadow of myself. <p> <p>I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to support myself daily, even though I knew within myself that this support is vital for my well being, and thus I have deliberately deprived myself of the required support I knew I needed <p> <p>I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deprive myself of self support as writing myself to freedom, applying self forgiveness and self corrective statements, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand the consequences of depriving myself of such support, or actually, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to excuse myself from supporting myself within playing the ignorant card, as within the excuse that I don't see , realize and understand the value of applying these tools, but in fact I do know the value, and that is why I have experience such inner conflict as I was trying to wake myself up to see that which I have been trying to ignore <p> <p>I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not push through the distractions as resistance to writing within the habit of having everything come easy, or not doing anything if it involves effort <p> <p>I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create myself as someone that doesn't push through effort, and thus I have limited myself to only participate with that which is easy and not challenging, within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see how limiting this is and how I have deprived myself from expanding and growing within learning and pursuing new aspects that were not in my preprogrammed and automated path <p> <p>I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself and accept my own self created limitation, instead of allowing myself to see the value of pushing through and proving to myself that I am limitless and can in fact do anything and learn anything as long as I am willing to walk the physical steps in practical application <p> <p>I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create ideas about some things / chores / activities and define them as hard, and thus, to build up a resistance towards them, instead of simply walking in breath, the physical practical steps that are required to be walked to accomplish the specific point <p> <p>I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship of fear towards such activities / responsibilities / chores, that I have not yet learned to do and thus within believing the idea I have in regards to them prevent myself from even trying to walk through them in fear - instead of letting go all ideas and simply walking the point practically in physical steps, within breath. <p> <p>I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have lived like this al my life, and thus to have lost many opportunities I had because I feared pursuing them in believing an idea, instead of walking through life in breath, in physical reality, in finding solutions to any problems that come along instead of antisipating problems and within fear going the other way <p> <p>I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself to walk here in breath, and thus, not trust myself to solve any problems that comes along, within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to try to guess possible problems in anticipation and anxiety and thus to exist in my mind instead of here in reality where I can practically prepare myself to over come any obstacle. </p> Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8277550205044907627.post-29833712181251436372013-06-06T08:59:00.001-07:002013-06-06T09:01:28.616-07:00Day 202 - Religion of Self<p><img style="margin: 0px 10px 0px 0px; display: inline" align="left" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-NuS1Va-ylCU/TuC41Gx4DcI/AAAAAAAAABM/f-TsqyImT_Y/s1600/384366_10150409776651275_578586274_8915379_991018034_n.jpg" width="255" height="200">It's a fascinating process - realizing that all that I define myself as and live by is only but a self created self belief, and that I have the power and the ability to question these self beliefs and, when and as I find that the self belief is of a self sabotaging nature as most are, to then change it, stop my participation with it, stop believing in it as the truth of me, stop following it and accepting it as the only reality of myself. <p> <p>Having said that, the self belief I am currently facing is the belief that I require external motivation to get myself moving effectively - such as having someone telling me what to do, or having a boss that is looking out at me and will judge my actions, or having a partner that my actions directly influence them and thus they will be there looking out, making sure that I do my job - I see that by having such external points of motivation, I will motivate and move myself to actually get my responsibilities done within the starting point of wanting to please them and gain their validation, positive confirmation and approval, and simultaneously to avoid conflict and disappointment. <p> <p>In other words, I have allowed myself to be directed by this self belief in such a way that if I am my own boss, where I can only disappoint myself, I am less likely to motivate myself effectively and to ensure that I apply myself to the best of my ability and complete my responsibilities -- sadly this implies how much I have been diminishing myself as my self value and self worth, as I value others more than myself, as I am willing to disappoint myself but not others, I am willing to brake my own word to myself and not stand within my responsibility when it hurts / effects me, but not others… obviously there is a deeper meaning and explanation rather then it just being how I value others more than myself, as I realize all this form of self sabotage is rooted in self interest, and thus actually is not about 'them' but rather about me at all times - but this is a topic for another blog... <p> <p>Now, I realize that if I can be effective within a situation where external motivation is applied - this would mean that I do in fact have the capability of being effective regardless the situation, and thus the belief that I require external motivation is a self limiting belief, where through accepting it, I create myself in alignment to it and make it to be true - but when looking at this self belief critically - it doesn't even make any sense, because if physically and practically I am able to focus and be effective within one specific environment as when having external motivation, that implies that I have the capacity of doing so in any environment, as long as I let go the self belief that is limiting me from doing so. <p> <p>I just had a conversation with a friend and they pointed out that sometimes instead of struggling to change one can support oneself in adjusting the environment to make it easier to function, and so if I believe I require external motivation, it's cool to see and admit to it within self honesty as seeing where I currently am, as what I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as, and then within realizing and admitting to this, one can support oneself with creating the environment that will best cater ones needs - this statement / idea / philosophy of his made me realize that there is a very fine line between being hard on myself, as banging my head against the wall so to speak, in trying to deliberately walk through such points into self change, and between taking the simple/physical/practical approach of accepting who I am as the self belief - I realize that walking this fine line is where self honesty is developed - this is where it's not a prewritten recipe with a right and wrong way to go about it - for example, I know I have been too hard on myself from the perspective that I have been allowing myself to judge myself and then my starting point was always within judgment, which created a form of struggle within my process, as if I am bad and must fix/change myself to deserve and be worthy of life - and my friend on the other hand has accepted his limitations and self beliefs and truly believes there is nothing to be done besides changing his environment/circumstances to suite him… I would like to learn to apply both, as to accept myself as who I am at this very moment within the accepted self belief, as this is where I am now, and from this point of awareness, of seeing clearly who I have created myself as, to realize that this self belief has power over me only as long as I allow it to, and from there to start a process of self investigation to understand the structure of the self belief, of my relationship to the self belief, to be able to let it go within self forgiveness and to not be enslaved to it any longer. <p> <p>I have been judging myself and from a starting point of self judgment I have resisted to walk my process of self forgiveness, and thus have resisted to apply myself in writing and thus sabotaging my process of self change. I have been procrastinating writing with so many excuses and justifications, even though each time I have written it has been so supportive, and so, depriving myself from this support is simply a form of self neglect and abuse, as a form of a self statement of not being worthy of support due to the massive self judgment. <p> <p>And so, I am here, and I stop the self abuse, I stop neglecting myself, I commit myself once again to support myself in writing, to open up the self beliefs, the thoughts, the patterns, one by one, within breath, slowly and surely until it is done. so here I am, starting over once again. Making the decision to take care of myself, to support myself and to free myself from the limitations, manipulation and abuse of the mind as I have allowed and accepted myself to exist as. <p> <p>To learn more about yourself and how reality functions, please consider a FREE online Course <p><a href="http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/">Desteni I Process Lite - Learn Practical Life Skills Online</a> <p> <p>Also, Please check out the following Links: <p><a href="http://www.desteni.org">Desteni</a> <p><a href="http://wiki.destonians.com/Main_Page">Desteni Wiki</a> <p><a href="http://forum.desteni.org/">Desteni Forum</a> <p><a href="http://www.desteniiprocess.com">Desteni I Process</a> <p><a href="http://www.equalmoney.org">Equal Money System</a> <p><a href="https://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/">Journey to Life Group</a> <p><a href="http://eqafe.com/">Eqafe Life Products - Self Help</a> <p><a href="http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/">Creation's Journey to Life </a> <p><a href="http://heavensjourneytolife.blogspot.com/">Heaven's Journey to LIfe</a> <p><a href="http://earthsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/">Earth's Journey to Life</a> <p><a href="http://physicsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/">Physics' Journey to Life</a> Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8277550205044907627.post-31310059010275290442013-05-20T15:47:00.001-07:002013-05-20T15:47:23.795-07:00Day 201 – Slow Down<p><img style="margin: 0px 10px 0px 0px; display: inline" alt="" align="left" src="https://encrypted-tbn2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRaawiRLCg192Gi8-gl7aCGq8s6Y7Lnfh-bmxacwnwYqeWF11iZbA" width="225" height="225">I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to run and rush and within this to forget to breathe and thus to forget myself <p> <p>I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to plan my day in such a way where I end up rushing from one place to the next with out leaving myself any time to breathe <p> <p>I forgive myself for accepting ad allowing myself to move from one activity to the next while not being here in breath and thus separating myself from myself as breath and from the activity that I am participating in, within this I realize that I can walk through my day within breath in every moment and still tend to all activities doing so from a starting point of being here within and as self within and as breath <p> <p>I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to slow down within the activities I am participating in, and thus, to not allow myself to walk them breath by breath <p> <p>I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience a form of anxiety as I move through out my day, and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rush within the anxiety as if to get it done with and finished with, instead of stopping myself in the moment the rush / anxiety comes up, and within breath move myself to complete the task / activity within awareness of my breath as the hereness of myself <p> <p>I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience a sense of importance as I rush through out my day, and thus from a starting point of ego and importance I sabotage myself and do not allow myself to slow down and breathe here, within the justification that what I'm busy with is so important, I must rush, and thus allow myself to distant from myself as breath <p> <p>I commit myself to practice being here in awareness as breath within everything I do <p> <p>I realize that building this self awareness as breath as the hereness of myself will take practice and consistency, and thus, I commit myself to return to breath time and time again <p> <p>I commit myself to make note of flag points that come up through out the day, and to use them as reminders to stop and breathe and return to myself here <p> <p>I commit myself to when I am typing my writings of the day, to slow myself down in breath, allow myself to be here as the words I type <p> <p>I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to even be here within and as myself as breath, and thus miss out on the one important and valuable thing in life - breath - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blind myself with a sense of importance in regards to everything I do in my life, and thus to distract myself from myself as breath into the mind <p> <p>I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that all that I can do for myself at this stage is to support myself in returning to myself as breath, to build myself from breath as life - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to still be tempted and lured by the mind as desires and fantasies and back chat and judgments, and to instead of stopping my participation within and as the mind, I still allow myself to go into it and entertain myself with it - even though I have seen and realized that nothing good can come out of it <p> <p>To learn more about yourself and how reality functions, please consider a FREE online Course <p><a href="http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/">Desteni I Process Lite - Learn Practical Life Skills Online</a> <p> <p>Also, Please check out the following Links: <p><a href="http://www.desteni.org">Desteni</a> <p><a href="http://wiki.destonians.com/Main_Page">Desteni Wiki</a> <p><a href="http://forum.desteni.org/">Desteni Forum</a> <p><a href="http://www.desteniiprocess.com">Desteni I Process</a> <p><a href="http://www.equalmoney.org">Equal Money System</a> <p><a href="https://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/">Journey to Life Group</a> <p><a href="http://eqafe.com/">Eqafe Life Products - Self Help</a> <p><a href="http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/">Creation's Journey to Life </a> <p><a href="http://heavensjourneytolife.blogspot.com/">Heaven's Journey to LIfe</a> <p><a href="http://earthsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/">Earth's Journey to Life</a> <p><a href="http://physicsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/">Physics' Journey to Life</a> Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8277550205044907627.post-28211605035647732362013-05-19T23:12:00.001-07:002013-05-19T23:12:47.690-07:00Day 200 – Who am I within a Decision?<p><img style="margin: 0px 15px 0px 0px; display: inline" alt="Photo" align="left" src="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/z_2Ju0_zHPYX8NUsiOlhrwzrImpKPfkAs6h7VDs-2L0=w274-h204-p-no">I have done a 21 day of self dedication, but since have missed a few days, so will start over, because the commitment / goal is to write as self support consistently every day, and not to miss a day for 21 days – so today i commit myself to myself again, and start over. <p> <p>I just found some writings i had done when making the decision to leave the farm, re-reading it was interesting because i could see that I wasn’t honest with myself, not allowing myself to see what i want, because it clashed with what i expected myself to want, and within not admitting to what i want, i couldn’t investigate it and find the misalignments within it - the one thing I missed is the possibility of staying at the farm and changing my application - I was judging myself for not applying myself and my time there not being valuable, realizing that I am not being effective, but instead of changing myself I changed my location, within doing so, taking myself as the pattern of ineffectiveness with me, now - I could have stayed and applied myself and pushed myself to change and become effective and consistent, but instead I indirectly directed everything to leave on may 11th, within this, i used a conversation i had with bernard as the greatest justification to come to the decision that i did, not seeing that all he did was show me that which i wouldn’t allow myself to see, though only now i realize that, at the time i thought it was him approving and supporting my decision.. lol… so in a way i used his words to validate my decision when in fact his words only allowed myself to see who i was in that moment, and within not realizing this at the time, i simply went with that which i saw i wanted instead of investigating it and making sure it is the best decision i could make. <p> <p>I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to decide to leave the farm instead of staying and making the decision to become effective <p> <p>I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the change I must push myself to walk as to become effective will be the same on the farm and here, and so all I did was postpone changing, bringing myself into a potentially harder situation instead of utilizing the support system I had at the farm <p> <p>I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see this points clearly and within it to support myself in realizing that staying at the farm and applying myself effectively would be more supportive than leaving and walking the point of changing myself into becoming effective, here in the system - within this, I realize I can only walk the consequences of my past decisions, and so it is still up to me here as I walk to change myself and become effective, and it is still up to me to utilize the support that is available here for me, and so, I realize that it's not a point of making a mistake whether to leave or not, but simply a point to look at and learn from for making decisions in the future, and within this to realize that it really doesn't matter if I'm here or there, because either way I am here, with/within/as myself, and must walk all the points equally - so, really no harm done - only an eye opener. <p> <p>I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to direct my decision from a starting point of excitement and desire, and thus not within common sense and practicality as making sure that all the points are in place effectively before moving to the next step <p> <p>I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the eagerness I experienced was actually a "fear of missing an opportunity" as I have experienced once before, thus allowing past events to direct me instead of directing myself here <p> <p>I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to carry along with me the past event of missing an opportunity and thus to proceed in hastiness from a starting point of fear of missing out, rather then practicality <p> <p>I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the fear of missing out instead of realizing that by existing within the fear I am manifesting it into reality as I have proven to myself many times, that, that which I fear will manifest by and from the fear itself - and so, I realize that any step I take within the starting point of fear is bringing me that much closer to the failure / missing out / disappointment I fear so much - and thus - I stop myself here, and commit myself to investigate all points of fear in order to not follow them blindly but to through the fear, see more clearly and develop self honesty <p> <p>When and as I see myself going into fear, and being directed by fear, I stop myself and breathe - I realize the fear will always only manifest itself into reality, and thus will never actually support me as who I am as life - and so, I commit myself to, when I see fear as part of my decision making, I stop and breathe, I bring myself back here, I write out the point and within writing it allowing myself to be self honest within myself and see deliberately and directly that which I am missing and not allowing myself to see as the fear. <p> <p>I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to know what I want and thus ask for advice when actually I know what I want to hear and feel a relief when I hear what I want - and so, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be honest with myself as to see that which I want, even and especially when it is not what I expect myself to want as it clashes with my expectation of what I believe I should have wanted <p> <p>I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize and practice this realization that I must first be honest with myself as to see who I am in the moment, who I am within my relationship to a point, in order to from there see what I am allowing myself to be directed by - in other words, as long as I don't allow myself to face myself and see in self honesty who I am, I cannot correct myself and align myself as self support as what is best for all <p> <p>I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from myself who I am as what I want / desire / believe / hope within self judgment as expecting myself to want / need / desire / hope something else, not realizing that it's not what I want but the construct of the want that is the problem so to speak, and thus, the judgment towards one desire implies that another would be valid, thus validating the participation in desire of mind, rather than realizing that all desires are equal in their separation, and thus, as long as I exist in the realm of the mind as want / desire / believe / hope there is no point of judging myself but rather seeing it for what it is and letting it go within understanding that I, as life, do not require want / desire / belief / hope as separation from / as myself <p> <p>To learn more about yourself and how reality functions, please consider a FREE online Course <p><a href="http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/">Desteni I Process Lite - Learn Practical Life Skills Online</a> <p> <p>Also, Please check out the following Links: <p><a href="http://www.desteni.org">Desteni</a> <p><a href="http://wiki.destonians.com/Main_Page">Desteni Wiki</a> <p><a href="http://forum.desteni.org/">Desteni Forum</a> <p><a href="http://www.desteniiprocess.com">Desteni I Process</a> <p><a href="http://www.equalmoney.org">Equal Money System</a> <p><a href="https://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/">Journey to Life Group</a> <p><a href="http://eqafe.com/">Eqafe Life Products - Self Help</a> <p><a href="http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/">Creation's Journey to Life </a> <p><a href="http://heavensjourneytolife.blogspot.com/">Heaven's Journey to LIfe</a> <p><a href="http://earthsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/">Earth's Journey to Life</a> <p><a href="http://physicsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/">Physics' Journey to Life</a> Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1