Monday, January 21, 2013
this is continuing my previous blog
As a child I used to play games with my older sister, there are two specific games I remember playing with her, one was "5 rocks" where we need to pick up rocks while balancing other rocks and not dropping them, and the other was a card game called "speed" where we need to move really fast and get rid of our cards. in both, she would always win. In "5 rocks" there were two levels of playing, she would play the advanced level and I would play the lower one, I always wanted to be able to play like her, like the big kids, I saw myself as inferior for playing at the lower level, but I wouldn't dare to try because I would have lost for sure - not giving myself the chance to even try, to practice, to improve, and looking at it now I realize I could have taken the time to practice and then play with her, but I never did, I only cared about the game when we played it, and when we didn't I didn't think about it and thus didn't practice. When we played "speed", she was always faster than me, and in each round as I lost repeatedly I became slower and slower - I was taking losing personally and integrating it as myself, believing it to define me and as such my game deteriorated in each turn.
I have always admired her and looked up to her through out our growing up, everything we did, she did better - though, I never saw it as a point of motivation, as a point of realizing that I can improve and equalize myself to her, I always saw her as better than me, as a fact of life, and saw myself as less than her, inferior, inadequate. I always wanted to be as good as I believed her to be, but never actually dared to compete with her, as I accepted myself as less than her and wasn't willing to challenge that self belief - so I would sabotage myself, compromise myself, not allow myself to excel, to perfect myself as within a requirement to remain less than her for ever, as that was my place. Through out our life there were periods of time where I was better off than her, I was thinner, or had a boy friend, or was stable - in those times I experienced guilt, as if I was out of place, out of character, because I believed I was supposed to be the inferior one, and thus projected it onto her and actually blaming her, as I believed that she thinks / believes she must be the superior one - I saw myself as I was deliberately taking the second place, and letting her be better than me in everything because I believed that couldn't take that a way from her, this is what we both knew ourselves to be - I existed within the belief that if I were to be more successful than her in any way it would compromise our relationship that was based on my looking up to her and believing myself to be inadequate.
At times I believed that I have taken the lesser place because I was protecting her, seeing her as fragile, as if she couldn't handle it if I were to pass her and be more than her in anything - I didn't realize that the competition and comparison were a fiction of my imagination, created by myself in my mind, I didn't realize that we are not actually defined in relation / comparison to each other and that any comparison is futile and doesn't stand as reality, I didn't realize that my belief that she will not be able to handle being less than me was actually showing me my reaction towards believing myself to be less than her, but at the same time showing me that I fear not being less than her, as this is what I knew myself as, and projected onto her for it to make sense to me - because it makes more sense that I am remaining inferior to protect her rather than as a deliberate choice I have been making each day throughout my life - I mean, I didn't like the experience of being inferior / inadequate, it is not a preferred experience, yet I held onto it, justified it and wouldn't let it go, and apparently, I have been holding on to it ever since, defining myself as inferior in many of my other relationships, reliving / recreating the relationship I have created with my sister over and over again.
I will continue with self forgiveness tomorrow
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