Sunday, January 20, 2013
this is continuing my previous blog
When I was a kid I went to a high level gymnastics class, I wasn't a professional gymnast but it was geared towards competition, I remember it being very demanding - I enjoyed the physicality within it, but the teachers were harsh, they wanted to make competitors out of us, so they really pushed for excellence, I was corrected a lot and pushed to always be better, work harder and run faster… looking at it now, I think that's where I developed my resistance towards running cause they kept telling me I don't run good enough, they said I run as if I'm running on egg shells, trying not to brake them, instead of giving it all that I have and really going for it before making the jumps.
Another point that I connect to that class is my relationship to my body - I was rather big compared to other girls my age, not fat but not a skinny kid, which gave me the advantage of strength, but I didn't see that at the time - there were two other girls with a very skinny body structure and were very good gymnasts, and I would compare myself to them, I always felt big/fat in comparison to them, in my perspective they were on a whole different level than me, like there wasn't even any competition because they were so good, so much better than me, I felt clumsy and inadequate, like I don't belong, like my being there, at their lever, must have been a mistake. I looked at them exercising with amazement, and then compared myself to them as being less than them by far... Obviously I didn't consider how long they have been practicing, I just compared myself to them and judged myself as inadequate.
I stopped going there after a few years when they were talking to me about competing, there was no chance I would do it, the thought of competing at that level was terrifying to me, I knew within myself that I wouldn't be good enough and didn’t want to try, why would I try if I knew I was inadequate and would most definitely fail. I left and then went to exercise at another gymnastic class but it wasn't as good, not as challenging, it was just for fun which was cool, but it was a down grade in a way, after that I quit gymnastics all together.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within an experience of being inadequate, based on comparing myself to others that I perceive to be better than me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto the energetic charge of the memory of feeling inadequate as a child gymnast, and carry with me the feeling of inadequacy into other aspects of my life - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the memory of this experience to influence me through out my life as I have allowed this memory to be another brick on the wall of myself, as another layer of defining myself as inadequate.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as inadequate based on the teachers telling me I don't run good enough and within that to go into inferiority and frustration because "this is how I run" not giving myself the opportunity to learn, improve and expand within realizing that I might not know how to run effectively at the moment, but through practice and integrating the tips from the teachers I can improve my running as any other skill, thus, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize and understand the natural process of learning a skill where at first you are a beginner and thus you will make mistakes and be corrected in order to learn and improve yourself through practice, thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, instead of embracing the corrections and perfecting myself, I have gone into an experience of inferiority and thus believing myself to be inadequate
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see the effort others have out in, in order to perfect themselves in regards to a specific skill, such as running, and thus, without seeing the effort and time they have put into it, I compared myself to them and came to a conclusion that I must be inadequate because they are so much better
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to the two girls in my gymnastics class and to judge myself as less than them, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing comparison and self judgment to direct me to a point of giving up because I had already judged myself as a failure due to the comparison, though I haven't allowed myself to see the physical reality as the learning curve one must walk to improve themselves in any skill, thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rob myself from the opportunity to improve and perfect myself within gymnastics because I allowed myself to go into an experience of inadequacy and within believing myself to be inadequate I gave up on even trying and just accepted my limitations
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as inadequate and as such I have not allowed myself to push myself to improve, expand and perfect myself within the skill of gymnastics, as within believing myself to be inadequate I have already given up on myself, and thus accepted myself within limitations,
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create my own limitation, as the point where effort is involved, a point where I would need to push myself in order to improve and expand in, a point where I judge myself as less than other in comparison to them, not allowing myself to see the effort they had put in, in order to get to that point, thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the belief that I am limited while not realizing that I have created my own self limitation through believing myself to be inadequate in comparing myself to others
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as who I am in comparison to how I perceived others to be, instead of realizing that I can never actually compare myself to another because I never can actually know what they have done, how they have walked, what is their starting point, what is going on in their mind, how much they have worked for what they have, what they have done to achieve it, how they experience themselves and so on, thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a one dimensional image in my mind, that is supposed to represent the being I am comparing myself to, and through looking at that image I compare myself to aspects within the image, not realizing that an image is but a very narrow and partial part of reality and thus doesn't actually represent reality - thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to an illusion, and within doing so, to judge myself as less than the illusion, thus putting myself down and as a result giving up within an experience of inadequacy, not realizing that I was very much adequate and capable but have sabotaged myself through comparison and accepted self limitation
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect effort with inadequacy within a created belief that if I am able to do something is should be able to do it with ease, thus not realizing the reality in which we live in, where as appose to the mind where everything is magical and easy, as you can imagine yourself to be and do whatever you like in a moment and with no effort involved, in reality it simply isn't so, as the physical reality as a space time existence requires a step by step movement, thus to get anything done, to acquire a skill and to perfect it, it all takes time, effort, practice, dedication and consistency, thus, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize the laws of the physical reality and thus to judge myself within the belief that if effort is required it indicates I am inadequate, and thus have not given myself the opportunity to improve, expand and perfect myself in any skills
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fool myself in believing that having to put in effort indicates I am inadequate, within allowing myself to question this assumption, as this assumption really made an ass of me, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see the manipulation within this belief as it is much more convenient to not have to put the effort and move through life in ease, thus I have used the self belief of being inadequate as a justification for giving up and thus not having to put any effort in, though I haven’t realized the price I would pay through creating myself as the character of inadequacy, and I didn't realize the destructive consequences it would have on my life, as I have participated in creating myself as weak, powerless and limited, instead of walking through the points of effort and empowering myself to stand as life and walk through any obstacle fearlessly within the realization that I can do anything if I walk the practical physical steps towards it
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