Friday, January 18, 2013

Day 143 - Inadequacy

Why do I feel inadequate?

I don't know when this started, I wonder if it has been there since the beginning… let me go back in my memories to dig up more experiences of inadequacy, I will start from the end, as the current time and will go backwards in time.

What I see is that now, as I'm walking the desteni process I am experiencing myself as inadequate, as not able to change, not applying myself enough, not able to apply myself more.

A few years ago, before I found desteni, I wanted to be a massage therapist, and I knew I was good, but I experienced myself as not good enough, there was something missing, I had tried it out for a few years but never really pushed myself within it because I experienced myself as inadequate

Before becoming a massage therapist I had gone to university and got my physics degree, I told myself that I would be there for as long as I can, until I will inevitably fail, because I experienced myself as not smart enough - I ended up finishing with good grades and all, but my over all experience was of inadequacy, and after the degree I wanted nothing to do with physics, hence going to the other side of the universe and becoming a massage therapist.

Before the physics degree I was in the army, there were many jobs I could have had but didn't push myself to try anything that would stretch my comfort zone, so in the army I didn't experience myself as inadequate because working with youth (which is oddly enough what I did in the army) came naturally to me, though there were points of inadequacy in relation to creativity, now that I think about it, and the same point came up in my last job with youth, as I experience myself inadequate in regards to anything that has to do with creativity, even the basic stuff like painting an informative sign for the children to see, or creating the activities…

Before the army I was a student in school, where I experienced myself rather comfortably, especially socially, but there were certain subjects that I had that didn’t come easy, like literature classes, I didn't enjoy reading, I defiantly felt inadequate, as my friends were heavy readers and I wasn't, I considered myself a slow reader so I didn't like to read at all.

And, before that as a younger child, the memory that comes up is playing games with my older sister, there was one game that we played, it's called 5 rocks, and it involves some coordination and speed and accuracy, it could be played in two levels, I would always play the lower/easier lever and she would play the higher/advanced one, and of course she would win the game each time, and I… you guessed it, experienced myself as inadequate.

Before that I was a gymnast, not professionally, just as an afternoon activity, and I really enjoyed it, but the teachers were harsh, they wanted to make competitors out of us, so they really pushed for excellence, I remember there were two younger girls and they were so good, seeing them doing what they could do, I felt clumsy and inadequate, like I don't belong, like my being there, at their lever, must have been a mistake.

I see now that this construct has been with me for quite some time, as I have been nurturing it with each experience, integrating the experience within and as myself, each time another layer, and another layer, and another and another - at the moment I experience myself daily as inadequate, there is nothing I do that I have full confidence in myself, there is nothing that I do that fear in regards to my performance doesn't come up.

Through out my life I have created myself as the inadequate character to such an extent that I believe it to be me, I can't imagine myself without this experience, I can't imagine myself free of this experience, I can’t imagine myself walking my life in stability, in confidence, in self trust, I can't imagine myself actually valuing myself and caring for myself. Maybe it's a good thing that I can't imagine it, because obviously I have never lived it, so any imagination would have just created an idea in my mind, an idea that can never be lived and thus create another wall of separation between me and all that - I realize now, I am at a point that I must decide to let this character go, and embrace the un known, as I do not know how will I be when I let this construct go, so there is no point in assuming and guessing…

The only practical thing to do, is to start walking, letting the construct, the memories, the energetic charge attached to them, letting them all go through self forgiveness, forgiving all the self beliefs, ideas, judgments, comparisons, that I have accepted and allowed as myself, as what has brought me to where I am today.

Why self forgiveness? Because it is an active and self directive act of realizing what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become as, it is an act of taking self responsibility, and an act of letting it go, putting it behind me, stopping the self judgment, the shame, the guilt, the regret, and moving forward in awareness, as a commitment towards myself that I will learn from what I have realized about myself, I will correct myself, and will support myself to change, to never again abuse myself through repeatedly putting myself down to such a degree that I find nothing about myself that I can say that I am good at - how have I allowed myself to mistreat myself in such a way? And more importantly, what am I gaining from this construct? As, I realize that knowing what is my gain will assist me in finding the deception within this perceived profit, as I know by now how the mind works, I know it will sell me a story for me to hold onto in order to not part from this character, thus, I must find the point of value I have given it in order to not be manipulated by it.

All this and more will be continued in the next blogs



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